Boys Don't Graduate by Connect with Kids

“I just think it’s much more doable than we say it is, if we would just put aside some of the excuses and engage these young men. They’re waiting for us.”

– Dr. Michael Glascoe, superintendent

Where have all the boys gone? You may be able to find them in the gym, at a job or hanging out, but there’s one important place where boys are under-represented, and the problem seems to be getting worse.

These days, at high school graduation ceremonies, there are a lot more girls than boys.

“Yeah, a lot of my friends dropped out of high school, and they were all males,” says John Lutz, student

In fact, according to a new study published in Education Week, every year, 10 percent more girls graduate from high school than boys.

“I think that there is tendency to focus on boys as problems at this point, rather than recognizing that boys have problems,” says Joanne Max, Ph.D., psychologist.

Experts say the problems start in grade school, where there is often an emphasis on sports instead of reading, for example.

“I think that with boys there is some idea that it’s not masculine or macho to read,” says Rob Jenkins, English professor.

There is also a shortage of male teachers as role models.

“I think boys need role models, so if you’re a boy and you don’t have a dad in your home and then you have one male teacher and it’s your athletic coach, then I don’t think you have a message that education is very important,” says Carol Carter, author and child advocate.

In addition, classrooms often have too little activity and too much passive listening, which is not conducive to boys.

“Just a teacher up there giving a lecture to 32 students who couldn’t care less,” says Kevin, 15.

Experts say parents can fight back in many ways. Read to your sons early and often; show by your actions that you value their education. Ask them about their schoolwork, offer help, drop by their classroom and, finally, appeal to their competitive spirit: challenge them to do better and help them understand that their future depends on it.

“I just think it’s much more doable than we say it is, if we would just put aside some of the excuses and engage these young men. They’re waiting for us,” says Dr. Michael Glascoe, superintendent.

Tips for Parents

Learning how to focus and get something done is about more than getting good grades — it's the foundation for success in life. Mastering the skills of getting organized, staying focused and seeing work through to the end will help in just about everything you do. (Nemours Foundation)

The work in high school builds off of what you learned in middle school, giving you a more advanced knowledge of many academic subjects. (Nemours Foundation)

If you ever find your work too overwhelming, teachers and tutors are available for extra help. While you have more independence as a high school student than you might have in middle school, there are still many resources to fall back on if you feel that the work is too much. (Nemours Foundation)

Be patient and keep trying. Once you've adjusted to your new independence you may find you can go farther than you ever imagined. (Nemours Foundation)

In summary, here's a quick checklist of things that can help you focus: (Nemours Foundation)

DO know your deadlines.
DO make a calendar of stages and final due dates.
DO include social events on this calendar for time management.
DO understand the assignment and expectations.
DO give yourself a quiet place to study with all the materials you need.
DO give yourself brief breaks.

DON'T put work off until the last minute; you'll be too frantic to focus.
DON'T do your homework late at night or in bed.
DON'T let yourself be bored; find the aspect of the project or paper that interests you -- if you're dying of boredom, something's not right.

References

Nemours Foundation

Seasonal Affective Disorder by Connect with Kids

“I definitely tend to isolate myself in my bedroom more. I’m always wanting to sleep and don’t want to be bothered.”

– Chauntae, 16

With winter’s grey skies, shorter days and often freezing temperatures, many kids are stuck indoors during the season. How does that affect their mood? Does your child seem depressed during these cold days? If so, it could be a treatable disorder.

Chauntae and Jasmine, both typical teenage girls, say their mood changes in the winter.

“You know, just not in the mood to be talking to anybody. And people kind of tell me I get a little bit mood- swingy at times, or I just might get mad about something really small,” says Jasmine, 16.

“I definitely tend to isolate myself in my bedroom more. I’m always wanting to sleep and don’t want to be bothered,” says Chauntae, 16.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, 10 to 20 percent of people have some form of Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD.

“It can just appear out of the blue. It really is a matter of what’s going on in the brain with some of the neuro-chemicals,” says Dr. Patrice Harris, M.D., psychiatrist.

Symptoms of SAD include fatigue, weight gain and overall lack of interest in normal activities. Experts suspect the problem is a lack of sunlight. Treatments can include doctor-supervised light therapy with a device similar to a tanning bed or a high-powered desk lamp, antidepressants, and/or a regimen of outdoor physical activity.

“Actually, there’s some early research that shows that talk therapy does affect the chemicals in the brain,” says Harris.

Harris adds that, as with all types of depression, parents should take it seriously.

“If a teen says … ‘I don’t know what is going on… I’m just feeling bad and I don’t want to do anything and I don’t have any energy, don’t have any motivation,’ that’s when parents should say, ‘Well, why don’t we go talk to someone about this who maybe knows a little bit more than we do,’” says Harris.

Experts say with rising occurrences of depression and suicide rates among teens, parents should be aware that any form of depression in their child is serious and may require treatment.

Tips for Parents

Someone with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) will exhibit several particular changes from the way he or she normally feels and acts. These changes will occur in a predictable seasonal pattern. The symptoms of SAD are similar to the symptoms of depression, and a person with SAD may notice several or all of these symptoms: changes in mood, lack of enjoyment of normal activities, low energy, changes in sleep patterns, changes in eating habits, difficulty concentrating, and/or less time socializing. (Nemours Foundation)

If your mood, energy level and/or motivation decline around November but bounce back to normal in April, you may have SAD. (National Institutes of Health, NIH)

SAD is thought to be related to “a chemical imbalance in the brain brought about by lack of sunlight due to winter's shorter days and typically overcast skies," says Dr. Angelos Halaris, chief of the Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences Department at Loyola University Health System.

SAD, which is characterized by depression, exhaustion and lack of interest in people and regular activities, can interfere with a person's outlook on life and ability to function properly. (Dr. Halaris)

Because the symptoms of SAD are triggered by lack of exposure to light, and they tend to go away on their own when available light increases, treatment for SAD often involves increased exposure to light during winter months. (Nemours Foundation)

If at all possible, get outside during the winter, even if it is overcast. Expose your eyes to natural light for one hour each day. At home, open the drapes and blinds to let in natural light (Dr. Halaris)

References

National Institutes of Health (NIH)
Dr. Angelos Halaris, chief of the Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences Department at Loyola University Health System
Nemours Foundation

Sue Scheff and Parent's Universal Resource Experts: Teenage Public Displays of Affection by Connect with Kids

“It’s your job to walk into that building and be focused on learning, not focused on your boyfriend. Once school is out, get your homework done and then you can focus on the boyfriend.”

– Paula Bryman, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker

An Illinois 8th-grader is making national news because she received detention after hugging one of her friends in a school hallway. She says it was just an innocent hug goodbye; the school says it was inappropriate physical contact. Are schools protecting our kids or overreacting?

In school hallways, cafeterias and parking lots, students are hugging, kissing and more. Students say they often see public displays of affection.

“I think it’s kind of weird in the middle of the hall. Like get a room, you know?” says Meredith, 15.

However, many students have no problem with it.

“Hugging in between classes, it’s not really a big deal,” says Carla, 16.

“It’s not doing anyone any harm really, I don’t think,” says Jesse, 16.

The problem is, not everyone agrees on what’s harmless and what isn’t.

“You have somebody holding hands and touching inappropriate body parts as they’re walking down the hall. Is that going to offend somebody else? Is that going to make them late for class? Is that going to make them focused on their boyfriend and not their academics?” says Paula Bryman, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker.

To avoid controversy, most schools enforce the rule of no public displays of affection -- period. An innocent kiss with your boyfriend is unacceptable, as Polly found out.

“I’ve gotten in trouble before when teachers told me to cut it out in the hallway or something like that,” says Polly, 17.

Teenagers are exposed to more sexual content than ever in the media, and many don’t agree with the school rules against public displays of affection.

“That’s really none of their business,” says Polly.

“If I got suspended for hugging my girlfriend, that would be ridiculous,” says Andrew, 15.

“Is it silly? Maybe. But you know what? When I go to work I have to follow rules, and I don’t like all my rules. This is sort of part of growing up,” says Bryman.

Bryman adds that parents should help their children understand.

“It’s your job to walk into that building and be focused on learning, not focused on your boyfriend. Once school is out, get your homework done and then you can focus on the boyfriend,” says Bryman.

Tips for Parents

While it is important to talk with children about sex and sexuality, parents are often unsure of how to begin such open communication. Connect with Kids offers DVDs to help start the conversation in a non-threatening manner.

Children Now and the Kaiser Family Foundation offer these tips for having a positive conversation with your child about sexual relationships and where, how and why to draw limits:
Explore your own attitudes – Studies show that children who feel they can talk with their parents about sex are less likely to engage in high-risk behavior as teens than children who do not feel they can talk with their parents about the subject.

Explore your own feelings about sex.

If you are uncomfortable with the subject, watch DVDs, read books and/or discuss your feelings with a trusted friend, relative, physician or clergy member.

The more you examine the subject, the more confident you’ll feel discussing it.
Start early – Teaching your child about sex demands a gentle, continuous flow of information that should begin as early as possible.

As your child grows, you can continue his or her education by gradually adding more information until he or she understands the subject well.

Take the initiative – If your child hasn’t started asking questions about sex, look for a good opportunity to bring up subject.

Talk about more than the “birds and the bees” – While children need to know the biological facts about sex, they also need to understand that sexual relationships involve caring, concern and responsibility.

By discussing the emotional aspect of a sexual relationship with your child, he or she will be better informed to make decisions later on and to resist peer pressure.
Give accurate, age-appropriate information – Talk about sex in a way that fits the age and stage of your child.

Communicate your values – It’s your responsibility to let your child know your values about sex. Although he or she may not adopt these values as he or she matures, at least your child will be aware of them as he or she struggles to figure out how he or she feels and wants to behave.
Relax – Don’t worry about knowing all of the answers to your child’s questions.

What you know is a lot less important than how you respond.

Convey the message that no subject, including sex, is forbidden in your home.

Teens who have high self-esteem and self-respect make more responsible health choices. As a parent, you can help your teen develop self-respect in the following ways:

(American Medical Association, AMA)

Allow your teen to voice opinions.
Allow your teen to be involved in family decisions.
Listen to your teen’s opinions and feelings.
Help your teen set realistic goals.
Show faith in your teen’s ability to reach those goals.
Give unconditional love.

Whether your child is thinking about having sex or engaging in other risky behaviors, you can take steps to help him or her make an informed decision. By following these tips from the AMA, your child will realize that you want to help:

Allow your teen to describe the problem or situation – Ask how he or she feels about the problem.

Ask questions that avoid “yes” or “no” responses. These usually begin with “how,” “why” or “what.” Really listen to what your teen is saying, instead of thinking about your response. Try to put yourself in your teen’s shoes to understand his or her thoughts.

Talk with your teen about choices – Teens sometimes believe they don’t have choices. Help your teen to see alternatives.

Help your teen to identify and compare the possible consequences of all of the choices – Ask your teen to consider how the results of the decision will affect his or her goals. Explain (without lecturing) the consequences of different choices.

References

American Medical Association
American Sociological Association
Children Now

Sue Scheff: Fashion Bullying by Connect with Kids

“Do you want your child going through school being picked on? I mean, kids get picked on for a number of things, millions of other things, and you want to add on?”

– Marisel Rodriguez, mother

There are lots of ways that kids judge other kids: Are they nice? Are they cute? Are they fun to be with? But there is another way that kids judge others that has nothing to do with who they are, but what they wear. And if this leads to a fashion battle between parent and child, some experts say it’s a battle parents need to lose.

How important is fashion to a teenager?

"I think that people choose their friends, or choose to talk to people at first, by what they wear and what they look like, so I guess it's pretty important," says Annie, 15.

“We all do it subconsciously. We decide who we want to know better by what they’re wearing,” says Kristen, 15.

It may seem superficial, but in a University of Nebraska study of middle school students, more than one-third of the students surveyed said they’ve been bullied for wearing the “wrong” clothes.

"If a person went to school wearing tight skin pants -- a boy for instance -- he'll be made fun of or he'll be talked about, and it will lead to a fight or something,” says Thomas, 15.

Thomas’ mom, Marisel Rodriguez, may not like the style of clothes her son wears, but she doesn’t stop him.

"His whole body fits in these pants," she says, holding up Thomas’ jeans.

"Sometimes I don't think she understands,” says Thomas.

In fact, she does. Rodriguez knows that if she chooses her son’s clothes, she won’t have to live with the consequences at school, Thomas will.

"Do you want your child going through school being picked on? I mean, kids get picked on for a number of things, millions of other things, and you want to add on?" says Rodriguez.

Experts say, within reason and within a budget, parents should let their kids decide what to wear because it’s one way parents can help their children fit in at school.

"Sometimes I'll say things like, ‘if your child broke his leg, would you not give him crutches?’ It's like you need to give a child as many advantages as you can," says Nancy McGarrah, psychologist.

Tips for Parents

Experts say it is extremely important to open the lines of communication with your kids.

Consider the following tips: (Kaiser Family Foundation)

Start early

Initiate conversations

Create an open environment

Communicate your values

Listen to your child

Try to be honest

Be patient

Share your experiences

Also, watch for behavioral changes. Children who are suffering from teasing and bullying may try to hide the hurt. They may become withdrawn from family and friends, lose interest in hobbies or turn to destructive habits such as alcohol, drugs or acts of violence. (Kaiser Family Foundation)

Ask your children whether they have witnessed bullying at school, and what they’ve done if they have seen it. Explain that while it may take courage to report it or tell the bully to stop, it’s the right thing to do. (Bill Modzeleski, U.S. Department of Education)

The bystanders to bullying are the biggest piece. If they set the climate and say, “We’re not going to tolerate this,” they can create a positive change. (Mary Ann Byrne, counselor, Stafford Co., Virginia)

References

Kaiser Family Foundation
U.S. Department of Education
Stop Bullying Now (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)

Sue Scheff: Binge Eating by Connect with Kids

“Sandwiches, cookies, candy bars -- I have no idea how many candy bars. Just everything I could get my hands on, and I’d just continuously eat until I went to bed.”
– Matt Wymer, 18

Anorexia and bulimia are the names that come to mind when we think of eating disorders. But there is another eating disorder more common than anorexia and bulimia combined, and some experts say it’s becoming a major health problem in America.

“As soon as I came home I’d throw down my backpack and just automatically start going through the refrigerator and cabinets and start eating. Sandwiches, cookies, candy bars -- I have no idea how many candy bars. Just everything I could get my hands on, and I’d just continuously eat until I went to bed,” says Matt Wymer, 18.

Matt was a binge eater. According to a new study from Harvard Medical School, 3.5 percent of women and 2 percent of men suffer from this eating disorder.

While these are small percentages, they translate into millions of people. Experts say that binging is a condition that often starts in childhood.

“You know we start at a very young age… you fall and scrape your knee [and someone says], ‘Oh, here, we’ll go get some ice cream, that’ll make it feel better.’ Or you go to the doctor, you get a lollypop; something bad happens, ‘Oh, here’s something that’s comforting,’” says Marilyn Tanner, R.D., pediatric dietician.

Matt looked for comfort because he was constantly teased about his weight.

“There’d be days when I’d come and pick him up from school and he’d get in the car and he’d start crying before I asked him anything,” says Cathy Wymer, Matt’s mother.

“I probably gave him whatever he wanted to try to make him happy, but it was the wrong way of doing it,” says Vernon Wymer, Matt’s father.

“I just felt better after I ate a lot,” says Matt.

Experts say the first line of treatment for binge eaters is to help them find other ways, besides food, to feel better.

“There are about five basic ways … that it just kind of boils down to. You write, you talk, you cry, you exercise, you laugh. Laughing also reduces the stress that lots of times people are feeling,” says Genie Burnett, Psy.D., clinical psychologist.

With the help of his doctor, Matt started a diet and a daily workout. He’s lost more than 150 pounds, he’s healthier and he says he’s more confident.

“I guess you’d say I’m happier than I used to be,” says Matt.

Tips for Parents

Most people don’t even recognize they are engaging in emotional eating until they’ve gained a lot of weight. Parents should learn to recognize the warning signs – being overweight, having a history of weight fluctuations, eating alone, hoarding food, eating rapidly, eating until uncomfortably full, and having feelings of guilt or depression after eating. (The American Dietetic Association)

Experts say encouraging kids to express their feelings can lower a child’s need to binge. Have younger kids draw pictures of how they are feeling. Afterward, discuss the drawings. (The American Dietetic Association)

When older children feel the need to binge, distractions may help. Find other things to do such as walking, riding a bike or playing with the dog. (The American Dietetic Association)

Keep the kitchen stocked with plenty of fruits and vegetables. If children feel like binging, encourage them to have a small, healthy snack instead. (The American Dietetic Association)

References

The American Dietetic Association

Parent's Universal Resource Experts: Cyberbullying and Suicide by Connect with Kids

“Days after Ryan’s death, I got the courage to go back into his room and for whatever reason, I thought his computer might unravel some of the mystery. So I sat down at his computer...”

– John Halligan, Ryan’s father

Today, several states are considering legislation that would make cyberbullying a crime. This is in response to the suicide of 13-year-old Megan Meier, who hung herself in October 2006 after she was hoaxed, harassed and humiliated online. The bully in Megan’s case turned out to be a 47-year-old woman -- a neighbor who won’t be prosecuted criminally because there’s no law that she violated. Megan’s parents want to change that.

The Halligans, whose son Ryan also committed suicide after being bullied online, understand this issue all too well.

It was 6:30 a.m. … morning routine at the Halligans. Ryan’s older sister opened the bathroom door.

“I felt like I couldn’t get any words out. All I could say was, ‘Ryan, dead. Ryan, dead. Bathroom.’ I couldn’t put a sentence together,” says Ryan’s sister, Megan Halligan, 18.

Ryan didn’t leave a note, but his dad found some clues.

“Days after Ryan’s death, I got the courage to go back into his room and for whatever reason, I thought his computer might unravel some of the mystery. So I sat down at his computer,” says John Halligan, Ryan’s father.

Halligan found hundreds of saved instant message (IM) conversations. John reads one that was written two weeks before Ryan died:

“It started off with the other boy starting the conversation, saying, ‘is this the last time I’m going to hear you complain?’ And, ‘you’re finally going to kill yourself?’ was the question. And my son said, ‘Yep.’ And the other boy replied, ‘Phew, it’s about F-‘n time.’ And my son replied back, ‘You’ll hear about it in the papers tomorrow.’”

Recent surveys show that 42 percent of kids have been bullied online. One in four has been bullied more than once, and 58 percent of those bullied never said a word to their parents. That’s why, experts say, parents should keep computers out in the open where they can read what’s on the screen. Parents also should talk with their children about cyberbullying, set up clear rules for communicating online, and learn who they are IMing and chatting with.

Even with precautions like these, cyberbullying can find its way into your child’s life. The Bryants, whose daughter, Erica, was also bullied online, learned that just because your kids are home doesn’t mean they’re safe.

“It was in my own home, but even in my own home, I wasn’t safe,” says Erica Bryant, now 18.

“I hated instant messaging. I hated the power it had to get in our house and hurt her,” says Linda Perloff, Erica’s mother.

“I’d also like to warn parents that you need to dig a little deeper in your child’s life, especially if they’re withdrawing from you. Take the time to snoop, if you will, into your child’s life,” says Kelly Halligan, Ryan’s mother.

Tips for Parents

Depression associated with Internet addiction comes not from the technology itself, but from the loss of other connections in a person’s life. Parents should be concerned if kids are not spending time with friends. (Eddie Reece, M.S., L.P.C., psychotherapist)

Instead of forcing kids to get off the computer, try engaging them in conversation. Start by showing interest in what your child is doing online. Curiosity is an excellent healing approach. Once you have the child talking, you can suggest more fulfilling activities. (Eddie Reece, M.S., L.P.C., psychotherapist)

Although the Internet can be a dangerous place, parents should not become overly fearful and ban kids from using the computer. Realize your child’s future success depends on being savvy with technology. (Kathleen Fitzgerald, director, CyberCamps)

Parents need to become involved in their children’s Internet use. Go online with your child. Teach them to make smart decisions online. (Kathleen Fitzgerald, Director, CyberCamps)
Chat rooms are among the most dangerous places on the web. (James Murray, Police Chief, Peachtree City, GA)

References

American Psychological Association
Eddie Reece, M.S., L.P.C., psychotherapist
Kathleen Fitzgerald, Director, CyberCamps
James Murray, Police Chief, Peachtree City, GA

Sue Scheff: Kids In Groups Take Greater Risks by Connect with Kids

“They do have the cognitive functions that allow them to control their emotions and organize. They’re just not as good at it, during the adolescent years, as they will be during adulthood.”

– Elizabeth Sowell, Ph.D., neuroscientist, UCLA Department of Neurology

With advanced brain-imaging technology, researchers have been learning more about how the human brain develops. One mystery experts have explored is why teenagers act the way they do: rebellious, impulsive and too willing to take risks. Now we may have an answer: one part of the adolescent brain is growing too fast, while another is growing too slowly.

Teenagers experiment with drugs. Drive too fast. Get angry and don’t know why.

“Pretty much the rebellion stage started kicking in right about age 12,” recalls Kim, currently 15.

What happens at age 12? According to new research from Temple University, teenagers feel emotions intensely, and care about how other kids feel about them. All that emotion resides in a part of the brain that grows quickly during adolescence. Meanwhile, the rational, careful, thoughtful part of the brain develops more slowly. That imbalance can cause kids to take risks.

“The parts of the brain that continue to develop during adolescence are the parts of the brain that we might expect when we think about typical, negative adolescent behaviors,” says Elizabeth Sowell, Ph.D., neuroscientist, UCLA Dept. of Neurology.

In fact, the study found that when kids were surrounded by other kids while participating in a simulated driving game, they were twice as likely to take risks.

“We know that adolescents are bigger risk takers, we don’t need the brain to tell us that. We know that they get in more car accidents than adults do,” says Sowell.

Experts say the good news is that while it may not be easy to teach teens to avoid risks, it’s not impossible, either.

“They do have the cognitive functions that allow them to control their emotions and organize. They’re just not as good at it, during the adolescent years, as they will be during adulthood,” says Sowell.

Experts say it helps to teach kids to ask themselves a question: ‘if you do this, what are the possible consequences?’ And don’t answer for them.

“Also, it’s much more rewarding for them if they come to the conclusion. Because it’s really coming from their heart and they know that whatever happens, they did the right thing for themselves,” says Diana, 15.

Tips for Parents

Sometimes, stresses in your life can actually come from your friends or peers. They may pressure you into doing something you're uncomfortable with, such as cheating, shoplifting, doing drugs or drinking, taking dangerous risks when driving a car, or having sex before you feel ready. (Nemours Foundation)

Listen to your gut. If you feel uncomfortable, even if your friends seem to be okay with what's going on, it means that something about the situation is wrong for you. This kind of decision-making is part of becoming self-reliant and learning more about who you are. (Nemours Foundation)

Plan for possible pressure situations. If you'd like to go to a party but you believe you may be offered alcohol or drugs there, think ahead about how you'll handle this challenge. Decide ahead of time — and even rehearse — what you'll say and do. Learn a few tricks. If you're holding a bottle of water or a can of soda, for instance, you're less likely to be offered a drink you don't want. (Nemours Foundation)

Arrange a "bail-out" code phrase you can use with your parents without losing face with your friends. For instance, you might call home from a party where you're feeling pressure to drink alcohol and say, "Can you come drive me home? I have a terrible earache." (Nemours Foundation)

Learn to feel comfortable saying "no." With good friends you should never have to offer an explanation or apology. But if you feel you need an excuse for, say, turning down a drink or smoke, think up a few lines you can use casually. (Nemours Foundation)

Hang with people who feel the same way you do. Choose friends who will speak up with you when you're in need of moral support, and be quick to speak up for a friend in the same way. If you're hearing that little voice telling you a situation's not right, chances are others hear it, too. Just having one other person stand with you against peer pressure makes it much easier for both people to resist. (Nemours Foundation)

References

Nemours Foundation
UCLA Department of Neurology

Drinking and Driving by Connect with Kids

“You can get away with it a thousand times, but it only takes one time to be dead or to have killed one of your peers driving with you.”

– Steven, 17

Despite the billions of dollars spent over the last several years to warn young people about the dangers of drinking and driving, the news from the National Institutes of Health isn’t all that good.

“It just happened so often that people would do that -- just get in a car and drink and drive; just start driving around because they were bored or whatever, and that would happen at almost every party. It was just one of those things,” says Wes, 17.

It is just one of those things that kills 17 thousand people each year and injures a quarter of a million others. The latest numbers from the National Institutes of Health show that, in a two-week period, a third of high school seniors say they’ve been drunk behind the wheel or have been riding with a drunk driver.

“You can get away with it a thousand times, but it only takes one time to be dead or to have killed one of your peers driving with you,” says Steven, 17.

That “one time” happened to Wes and his friends.

“Right before we wrecked I remember everybody laughing and having a good time. That’s the last thing I remember, everybody was laughing,” says Wes.

Then he discovered that two of his friends had died in the crash. Experts say most teens know the danger of drinking and driving but too often they ignore it, especially after they’ve been drinking.

“There is a tremendous body of research that shows people who are drunk tend to be more aggressive and more impulsive, less capable in making rational decisions,” says Robert Margolis, clinical psychologist.

His advice to parents: be tough; don’t just say no drinking and driving, but no to drinking at all.

“I know that if you fight this battle you’re going to be unpopular, but isn’t that part of being a parent? Aren’t there certain things worth fighting? Aren’t there certain lines worth drawing, where you say, ‘Okay, I’m not going to worry so much about how long his hair is. I may not worry about the CDs that he listens to. But when it comes to drinking, then I’m going to fight that battle,” says Margolis.

“I just felt so stupid forever. I should have just said something when we were getting in the car because they would have listened. If I would have said, ‘This is a bad idea’ I don’t think anybody would have gone,” says Wes.

Tips for Parents

Motor vehicle crashes are the number one killer of youth ages 15 to 20. (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administrations, SAMHSA)

Tell your child or any young person you care about that you do not want him getting into a car with someone who has had even one drink or who has been using illegal drugs. (SAMHSA)

Tell your child that you want her to call you if she can't get a safe ride home from a party or other event. Emphasize that you want her to call even if she herself has been drinking or using drugs (reassure her that, while you do not support this behavior, her safety is your first concern). (SAMHSA)

If you host parties for young people, do not allow them to drink alcohol or use drugs. Do not serve alcohol, even to college students. Check on your guests regularly to make sure that no one is sneaking alcohol or other illegal substances into your home. The legal consequences of allowing underage drinking and drug use n your home can be severe, especially if a minor is injured or killed during the party or after leaving your house. (SAMHSA)

Begin a coalition to address underage drinking and impaired driving in your community. Write to your local paper and legislators to gain support. (SAMHSA)

Be a good role model. If you have been drinking, don't drive. We all know that young people learn by example -- don't send mixed messages. (SAMHSA)

References

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administrations (SAMHSA)

Parent's Universal Resource Experts: Alcohol and Rape by Connect with Kids

“If we drink too much then we don’t pay attention to as many things in our environment.”

– Corinne McNamara, rape crisis specialist

GHB, “roofies,” Ketamine – all are known as “date rape” drugs. But experts say there is another drug that is easier to get, less expensive, and accounts for more than 65 percent of all date rapes.

Drinking may be a part of Erin’s college experience, but she says she knows her limits.

“I know that when I go out to party my goal is not to go out and get drunk, it’s just to have a good time,” says Erin, 18.

Still, her mom is afraid.

“What I worry is, she’s lost control and she’s at the mercy of whoever she happens to be with,” says Terry Dillard, Erin’s mother.

Alcohol is the real date rape drug. According to a study from the University of Ulster in Ireland, alcohol is involved in more than 65 percent of date rapes. Many experts say the problem is the same in the United States.

“If we drink too much then we don’t pay attention to as many things in our environment,” says Corinne McNamara, rape crisis specialist.

McNamara says that parents should teach their daughters that drinking could compromise their safety.

“Although it’s not your fault if something bad happens to you -- for example, if you are raped it’s not your fault – [but] these are some of the things you can do to avoid dangerous situations,” says McNamara.

First, she says, don’t drink underage. It’s dangerous and against the law. Second, if you do drink, bring along a friend who won’t leave your side.

“I think that’s a great idea to have a friend with you on the side who’s sort of like ‘you need to stop now’ or ‘we need to go back to the dorm now,’” says Erin.

Experts add that kids also need to pay attention to their intuition.

“Listen to that voice in the back of your mind that says ‘this is an awkward situation, I need to leave now’,” says Corinne.

Erin knows the risk of sexual assault is real, but she says she won’t be paralyzed by fear.

“I want to be careful with what I do, but I don’t want to go out there and just stay away from everything, keep myself locked up in my room, not be a part of things because I’m scared something bad might happen to me,” says Erin.

Tips for Parents

Make sure your children know the basic facts about drinking:

it slows reflexes, distorts vision, reduces coordination, can cause memory lapses and even blackouts; it can lead to poor judgment and lowered inhibitions – which can lead to risky behaviors like driving while drunk and unprotected sex; that drinking large quantities of alcohol at one time or very rapidly can cause potentially fatal alcohol poisoning; and that it’s illegal to possess or obtain alcohol under the age of 21.

(U.S. Department of Health and Human Services – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration)

Avoid secluded places (this may even mean your room or your partner's room) until you trust your partner. (Nemours Foundation)

Don't spend time alone with someone who makes you feel uneasy or uncomfortable. This means following your instincts and removing yourself from situations that you don't feel good about. (Nemours Foundation)

Stay sober and aware. If you're with someone you don't know very well, be aware of what's going on around you and try to stay in control. Also, if you are a male, be aware of your date's ability to consent to sexual activity; you may become guilty of committing rape if the other person is not in a condition to respond or react. (Nemours Foundation)

If you're injured, go straight to the emergency room -- most medical centers and hospital emergency departments have doctors and counselors who have been trained to take care of someone who has been raped. (Nemours Foundation)

References
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Human Services Administration (SAMHSA)
Nemours Foundation

Purity Pledges by Connect with Kids

“Many parents find it valuable to still say to their kid, ‘Look, I don’t want you to have sex until you’re married, but I feel that you need to understand about contraception because so many kids do have sex.’”

– Dr. Mark Schuster, M.D., Ph.D., pediatrician

Each year, thousands of young people make a pledge of abstinence, vowing not to have sex until they get married. But over time, how does the behavior of the kids who pledge abstinence compare to those who don’t?

“That I will, with the grace of God, live a chaste life,” says Rebecca, reading her pledge.

Rebecca’s pledge is a promise she made to herself not to have sex before she is married.

“I was not comfortable with the person I was becoming, so that’s when I decided that I wanted to make a vow of chastity,” says Rebecca, 18.

She’s kept that vow for two years, but according to a study by Columbia University, 88 percent of pledgers break their vow and have sex before marriage. This issue is controversial, and some experts say the problem is that many kids take the pledge because their parents want them to, not because they want to.

“If they do it for Mom and Dad, [then] Mom and Dad took the pledge,” says Molly Kelly, teen chastity advocate.

The Columbia University study included 12,000 teens and found that the kids who pledge abstinence have the same rate of STDs as those who don’t.

“If we just tell our kids to not have sex, and we don’t tell them anything else, [then] when they do have sex, they’re not prepared for the consequences,” says Dr. Mark Schuster, M.D., Ph.D., pediatrician.

He says that even with a vow of abstinence, kids still need to be knowledgeable.

“Many parents find it valuable to still say to their kid, ‘Look, I don’t want you to have sex until you’re married, but I feel that you need to understand about contraception because so many kids do have sex,’” says Schuster.

Rebecca says a serious test of her pledge will happen when she gets to college.

“And that’s going to be when I prove to myself that this promise I made is really real,” says Schuster.

Tips for Parents

Parents sometimes find it difficult to have discussions about sex or sexuality with their teenagers. However, the importance of having these discussions with children has been well documented.
The following suggestions for ideas and topics of discussion about sex and sexuality are excerpted from information available from the National Campaign To Prevent Teen Pregnancy:

Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes. Communicating with your children about sex, love and relationships is often more successful when you are certain in your own mind about these issues.

Talk with your children early and often about sex, and be specific. Kids have lots of questions about sex, and they often say that the source they'd most like to go to for an answer is their parents. Start the conversation, and make sure that it is honest, open and respectful. If you can't think of how to start the discussion, consider using situations shown on television or in movies as conversation starters. Connect with Kids DVDs are designed to help you with these conversations, using real kids and stories and a family discussion guide. Try http://www.connectwithkids.com/products/firstcomeslove.shtml
or http://www.connectwithkids.com/products/sex_silent_parent.shtml.

Tell children candidly and confidently what you think and why you take these positions; if you're not sure about some issues, tell them that, too. Be sure to have a two-way conversation, not a one-way lecture. Ask them what they think and what they know so you can correct misconceptions. Ask what, if anything, worries them.

Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents. Establish rules, curfews and standards of expected behavior, preferably through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication.

Know your children's friends and their families. Friends have a strong influence on each other, so help your children and teenagers become friends with kids whose families share your values.
Discourage early, frequent and steady dating. Group activities among young people are fine and often fun, but experts discourage steady, one-on-one dating before age 16.

Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a boy significantly older than she is. And don't allow your son to develop an intense relationship with a girl much younger than he is. Try setting a limit of no more than a two- (or at most three-) year age difference.

Help your teenagers to have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood. The chances that your children will delay sex, pregnancy and parenthood are significantly increased if their futures appear bright.

Let your kids know that you value education highly. Encourage your children to take school seriously and set high expectations about their school performance. School failure is often the first sign of trouble that can end in teenage parenthood.

Know what your kids are watching, reading and listening to. The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, the Internet) are often sends the wrong messages. Sex rarely has meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and few people having sex ever seem to be married or even especially committed to anyone.

These tips for helping your children avoid teen pregnancy work best when they occur as part of strong, close relationships with your children that are built from an early age. Strive for a relationship that is warm in tone, firm in discipline, rich in communication, and one that emphasizes mutual trust and respect.

References

National Campaign To Prevent Teen Pregnancy

Suicide Rate Highest for Teens Girls by Connect with Kids

“One of the worst things [parents] can do is say it’s just a phase and they’ll grow out of it, because the depression will get deeper and deeper. The problems will become greater and greater as you let time go on.”

– Rudy Kalain, adolescent drug treatment counselor

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has reported an alarming new statistic about teen suicide. For the first time in decades, the suicide rate for teenagers is going up. There is one group of kids more vulnerable than any other.

Thirteen-year old Leanna knows how it feels to be depressed.

“I think it’s when a lot of stress and a lot of sadness and all this kind of stuff builds up, where it just affects your emotions and you don’t want to do anything,” says Leanna.

For a long time, Leanna suffered silently.

“I think once you have depression, it’s hard to kind of get rid of, but you can make it so unnoticeable,” says Leanna.

Depression is the leading cause of suicide, experts say, and, according to the CDC, the suicide rate is rising fastest among 10- to 14-year-old girls -- up 76 percent from 2003 to 2004.

“It’s interesting, because in childhood, depression is about equal between girls and boys. When you get to adolescence, girls are more at risk for developing depression than boys,” says Dr. Sharon Y. Jones, psychiatrist.

Experts say girls are especially vulnerable in the middle school years.

“You know sometimes the person you were best friends with all through elementary school just becomes more mature and they’re not your friend anymore and that can be traumatic. The hormones are changing and they’re growing up. They want to be thought of as teenagers and yet sometimes they’re really little kids at heart,” says Gay Madden, counselor.

Experts say if you sense your child is sad, tired, hopeless, and/or no longer interested in activities, it could be clinical depression.

“If the parent has a gut feeling that the person is depressed, I would say go with that feeling and get professional help,” says Rudy Kalain, adolescent drug treatment counselor.

“One of the worst things [parents] can do is say, it’s just a phase and they’ll grow out of it, because the depression will get deeper and deeper. The problems will become greater and greater as you let time go on,” says Kalain.

Leanna is in counseling now and says it’s making a difference.

“I mean there’s always hope; if you ever give up on that, it’s probably going to be a really sad life,” says Leanna.

Tips for Parents

A teenager who is contemplating suicide may complain of being a bad person or feeling “rotten inside.” (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry)

Some teens will give verbal hints with statements such as “I won’t be a problem for you much longer,” “Nothing matters,” “It’s no use,” and “I won’t see you again.” (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry)

A teen contemplating suicide may put his/her affairs in order by giving away favorite possessions, cleaning his/her room or throwing away important belongings. Others may become suddenly cheerful after a period of depression or show signs of psychosis. (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry)

If you believe your child may be thinking about suicide, ask the child directly or seek professional help. People often feel uncomfortable talking about death, but asking a child if he/she is depressed or thinking about suicide can be helpful. Such questions may assure the child that someone cares and will give him/her the chance to talk about problems. Talking can lead to healing. (Dr. Paul Schenk, Psy.D., Clinical Psychologist)

If your child admits to suicidal feelings, don’t act shocked. This will put distance between you. Be willing to listen. Allow for the expression of your child’s thoughts and accept that the child may very well feel that way. (American Association of Suicidology)

Don’t be judgmental, or debate whether suicide is right or wrong, or lecture on the value of life. Offer hope that alternatives are available but do not offer glib reassurance. (American Association of Suicidology)

Don’t be sworn to secrecy. Seek support and seek help. Get help from persons or agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention. (American Association of Suicidology)

References

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
The Centers For Disease Control and Prevention
American Association of Suicidology

(Sue Scheff) The Internet Divide - Connect with Kids

“They do it so fast, that lingo goes by so fast, you don’t know what they are saying. I mean she’s got three people on here right now. I couldn’t tell you how she’s keeping up those conversations.”

– Roopa Bhandari, mother, discussing her daughter’s online Instant Messaging

Are most kids more Internet savvy than their parents? A new Harris poll says the answer is yes. Are kids doing things online that would upset their parents? It seems that answer is also yes.

Sonia uses shorthand to chat with her friends online.

“LOL is laughing out loud, BRB -- be right back, BBL -- be back later, and LMHO --laughing my head off,” says Sonia, 13.

She’s so fast, it’s hard for her mom to keep up.

“They do it so fast, that lingo goes by so fast, you don’t know what they are saying. I mean, she’s got three people on here right now. I couldn’t tell you how she’s keeping up those conversations,” says Roopa Bhandari, Sonia’s mother.

According to the latest Harris poll, parents think their kids are online a total of six hours a week, but kids say they’re on the Internet almost twice that long. Almost a quarter of the kids admit to behavior that would upset their parents: talking to strangers, looking at porn, cyberbullying. This is today’s digital divide, with kids on one side, inexperienced parents on the other.

“I think the naivety in a lot of senses is really unnecessary, because it’s not as hard as it looks to a lot of these parents, they just have to take initiative and they have to go for it and make sure that their kids are safe,” says Jamey Brown, Systems Administrator, Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD).

That means keeping the computer in an open area, using Internet filters and learning as much as you can.

“Education of the parents is absolutely essential, because if the kids have a strong desire to do these kinds of things, then they’re going to find ways around even some of the best protections. If they are more knowledgeable than their parents on even the software that’s being used to circumvent them, then it can really work against [parents],” says Brown.

And learning can start with simple questions and conversations.

“Who’s ACL7C?” asks Sonia’s mom.
“My friend at school,” Sonia answers.
“What’s her name?”
“Emily.”

While her mother is trying to learn, Sonia would still like to keep some things private.

“It’s half and half. It’s good that she’s aware of some of the stuff, but not all of it,” says Sonia.

Tips for Parents

The Internet can be a wonderful resource for kids. They can use it to research school reports, communicate with teachers and other kids, and play interactive games. (Nemours Foundation)

However, it also provides access to information, sites, pictures and people that can be harmful to children and teens.

It's important to be aware of what your children see and hear on the Internet, who they meet, and what they share about themselves online. (Nemours Foundation)

Just like any safety issue, it's a good idea to talk with your kids about your concerns, take advantage of resources to protect them from potential dangers, and keep a close eye on their activities. (Nemours Foundation)

Keep the computer in a common area, not in individual bedrooms, where you can watch and monitor your child. (Nemours Foundation)

Encourage your teen to follow simple precautions, such as remaining anonymous at all times (this includes chat rooms); never disclosing private information such as address, phone number, school name, and credit card numbers; and never agreeing to meet someone in person that you have met in a chat room. (Nemours Foundation)

References

Nemours Foundation

(Sue Scheff) Pornography Affects Girls, Too - Connect With Kids Article

“It has the potential for teenagers to really mess up what their attitudes are about sexuality and relationships.”
– Paul Schenck, Psy.D., clinical psychologist

While parents and schools often debate whether it’s best for children to learn about human sexuality at home or at school, kids today are learning about sex from another source: the Internet. Some experts believe this is harmful, even dangerous.

On the Internet, pornography is easy to access.

“Basically, if you want to see it, you can,” says Mark, 17.
Some of it is hardcore.

“Very vulgar, lewd type of material,” says Jeremy, 19.
And it is pervasive.

“I’m hanging around kids my age and they all pretty much get their fair share of that stuff, I would say daily,” says Jake, 16.

According to a report from the American Psychological Association, pornography can warp a teenager’s perspective on sexuality.

“It has the potential for teenagers to really mess up what their attitudes are about sexuality and really mess up relationships,” says Paul Schenck, Psy.D., clinical psychologist.

For teen girls, experts say, pornography can present an unattainable body image that can lead to eating disorders, depression and hyper-sexualized behavior.

“Their body becomes about pleasing others and it’s not.

Life becomes not about their own desires but about becoming desirable to others. We want to help girls through their adolescence become their own subject, where they decide how they want to live their lives rather than becoming an object,” says Dina Zeckhausen, Ph.D., Powers Ferry Psychological Associates.

Experts first recommend that parents put in place a filter to block porn on their home computer. Next, if their children have seen porn, talk with them about what they saw and how it affected them. Counter those images of women with positive and realistic ones.

“There are positive examples of media out there and there are positive role models of girls and women who are doing good things in the world and making the world a better place. So we as parents need to expose our kids to those kinds of media,” says Zeckhausen.

Expert’s say it’s inaccurate to compare today’s web porn to yesteryear’s Playboy magazine. The quantity, accessibility and graphic nature of the porn makes it much more likely that it can become a negative influence and even an addiction for a teen.

Tips for Parents

In the past, pornography was mainly limited to artwork, magazines and the red-light districts. With the advent of the Internet and cable television, however, pornography has now made its way into our family rooms, home offices and kids’ bedrooms.

Children and teenagers easily and often inadvertently access it. Parents must work even harder to prevent their children from becoming influenced and/or addicted to it.

The best cure for addiction is prevention. Experts at the Jacob Wetterling Foundation developed the following tips to help parents prevent their children from becoming addicted to pornography:

Place home computers in a central area of the house, not a child’s bedroom or secluded area. Make surfing the Internet a family experience.

Talk with your children about what they can and cannot do online, while trying to understand their needs, interests and curiosity.

Know your child's password and screen names; they may have more than one.
Set reasonable time limits on computer use, and ensure that your children adhere to the limitations.

Parents (not children) should always establish and maintain an Internet service provider account (AOL, Earthlink, MSN), and the account should always be in a parent’s name (not a child’s). This ensures that a parent can legally maintain control of the account’s use and can access records if necessary. If an account is set up in a child's name, it may be difficult, if not impossible, to obtain account information without the child's permission.

You should also realize that children might be accessing the Internet from outside the home, such as friends’ homes, work, libraries and school.

Be open with your children and encourage them to come to you if they encounter a problem online.

Explore filtering and blocking software, which is used to sort information on the Internet and classify it according to content. A major drawback is that some filtering may block innocent sites, while many "negative" sites still get past the filters. Though these programs can be great assets, parents still need to maintain open communication with their children to inform and protect them.

If you discover your child viewing pornography or you know it is a problem in his/her life, reassure him/her. Let your child know that while you don’t agree with the use of pornography, you still love them and expect them to do better. Rob Jackson, a professional counselor specializing in sexual addiction and codependency, suggests taking a four-area approach to prevent the possibility of your child using pornography in the future.

Behavioral. Behavioral approaches attempt to prevent a scenario from developing in the first place. The house and grounds, for example, should be purged of all pornography. Media should be carefully screened for “triggers” that serve as gateways to acting-out. If the problem occurred with the Internet, a filter can be one of your strategies, although it can never replace parental supervision and involvement. Other common-sense approaches include moving the computer to the family room where others can easily view the screen, limiting the time on the computer and making sure no one is alone on the Internet, and developing a mission statement that directs the family’s use of the computer and the Internet.

Cognitive. Pornography generates destructive myths about sexuality. Once your child is exposed, it will be critically important to initiate a comprehensive sex education program, if you have not already done so. The child will need to learn what and how to think about sexuality. More than mere behaviors, parents will want to communicate the core values of sexuality, the multifaceted risks of sex outside of marriage, and their ongoing compassion for what it must be like to grow up in this culture.

Emotive. Sex is inherently emotional. Premarital sex has even been linked with codependency, where at least one person becomes compelled or addicted to be in a relationship with another. The youth culture would lead you to believe that sex is not necessarily emotional for them – don’t believe it. Sexual relations of any type bond the bodies, minds and spirits of two individuals. At the conscious level, this attachment is largely emotional. Your children need to understand that emotional attachment is often involuntary, and especially when the relationship has been compromised sexually.

References

Jacob Wetterling Foundation

TeenHealthFX

Pure Intimacy

Great Ways to Sabotage a Good Conversation by Paul W. Schenk, Psy.D.

(Sue Scheff) Public School vs. Private School

“The findings are pretty clear: there is no significant difference between how kids do -- given their socio-economic background, their family background -- in private schools and in public school.”

– Dr. Martin Carnoy, Stanford University Department of Education

Will sending your kids to a private school help them succeed in life? It’s a difficult question, especially for parents who would have to struggle to pay private school tuition. Now, a new study suggests that our children’s success depends on how we answer a very different question.
Some kids like public school better than private school.

“Well, at public schools, there are not as many rules and there’s a lot more people to hang out with and a lot more groups,” says Kenny, 13.

Other kids say private school is more of a challenge.

“When you go to a public school, everything’s easier. When I went to a private school there was harder stuff,” says Chris, 17.

Do private schools really give kids an academic advantage? According to the Center on Education Policy in Washington, D. C., the answer is no.

“The findings are pretty clear: there is no significant difference between how kids do -- given their socio-economic background, their family background -- in private schools and in public schools,” says Dr. Martin Carnoy, Stanford University Department of Education.

The study reports that success in school and in life isn’t a matter of public school versus private school. It’s a matter of how involved parents are with their children.

Research continues to show that when parents get involved in their child’s education, that’s what helps kids the most.

“I see an increase in their productivity and their classroom activities. I even see in them a tremendous improvement academically,” says Cathie Banks, academic advisor.
Experts say “parent involvement” can mean lots of things.

“You need to know their teachers well enough that you can call them at home. You need to know what’s expected of [your child], go through all the syllabi that the students get and actually sitting down, reading with them, studying with them,” says Allan Kennedy, licensed professional counselor.

So, can money buy a better education? Not according to this mom:

“I don’t think that just because you pay money for something that it makes it better,” says Karen Kehlet, mother and PTA co-president.

The academics at public and private schools may be similar, but there are other differences. For example, if you want your child to wear a school uniform, receive a religious education or learn in a college preparatory environment, a private school may be worth the money.

Tips for Parents

As a parent, how can you determine what type of school is best for your child? For starters, it is important for you to know your options. The Oregon Department of Education cites the following types of schools for you to consider:

Charter schools (public): These autonomous, “alternative” public schools are started by parents, teachers, community organizations and for-profit companies. They receive tax dollars, but the sponsoring group must also come up with private funding. Charter schools must adhere to the basic curricular requirements of the state but are free from many of the regulations that apply to conventional schools and the day-to-day scrutiny of school boards and government authorities.

Magnet schools (public): These highly competitive, highly selective public schools are renowned for their special programs, superior facilities and high academic standards. They may specialize in a particular area, such as science or the arts. Students who apply to these schools go through a rigorous testing and application process.


Independent schools (private): These schools are nonprofit and governed by elected boards of trustees. Independent schools draw their funds from tuition payments, charitable contributions and endowments rather than from taxes or church funds. They may be affiliated with a religious institution but cannot receive funds or governance from them.

Independent private day schools generally cost from a few thousand to more than $10,000 per student per year, while an independent boarding school charges each student approximately $20,000 annually.


Parochial schools (private): These church-related schools are most commonly owned and operated by Catholic parishes or dioceses but also by Protestant denominations. Hebrew or Jewish Day schools may also be termed parochial, but are more commonly known as “day schools.” The majority of the private schools in the United States are parochial schools.

Their academic curriculum is supplemented with required daily religious instruction and prayer. Teachers may be clergy or laypersons who may or may not be trained educators.

Your child doesn’t have to be Catholic to attend a parochial school, but he or she will still be required to attend religious education classes and prayer services. Parochial schools generally cost between $1,200 and $2,400 per year for an elementary school student and between $4,600 and $7,500 for a high school student.


Proprietary schools (private): These private schools are run for profit. This is a relatively new category of school. They do not answer to any board of trustees or elected officials. Because of this, they claim to be able to respond quickly to the demands of the market. Tuition is comparable to that of private, nonprofit schools.


Home schools: These schools include an educational environment in which a student receives instruction offered in a home, as regulated by state law, for reasons other than health.


Talk to others.

Find out what active parents and educators think about schools or other programs. A customer’s point of view, from someone who actually has a child enrolled, is one of the best sources.


Evaluate the school. Once you decide which schools you are going to evaluate, it is important to search out information and ask questions that will show you what each school offers in important areas.


Schedule a visit. Visit at least two of your top schools. Test scores and written mission statements can’t tell you enough. Besides, the best school for your child is often the one where you can be most involved, and you can only find that out by meeting people at the school face-to-face.


Take action early. You’ve talked to other parents. You’ve evaluated the school and you’ve stopped by for a visit.

You have all of the information you need to make your decision. Prioritize the schools that best meet your child’s needs and the goals you have determined for your child, and apply by the deadline.
References

Broward County Public Schools

National Association of Independent Schools

Oregon Department of Education

Partnership for Learning

Connect with Kids: Anorexia and Eating Disorders

“It was definitely an obsession and giving that up was incredibly hard, it was like asking me not to breathe.”

– Kathryn, 17

Hundreds of thousands of girls in the U.S. struggle with anorexia, which is an obsession to be thin. According to the National Institutes of Health, as many as one in 10 will die from the disease.

How does this obsession begin in a young girl’s mind?

When she was 15, Kathryn was desperate to be thin.

“It was definitely an obsession and giving that up was incredibly hard; it was like asking me not to breathe,” says Kathryn, 17.

Kathryn developed anorexia; she may have inherited from her mom.

“I think I clearly had some sort of eating disorder as an adolescent,” says Kathy, Kathryn’s mother.

One study of anorexic women found that many of them shared a propensity for perfection, a trait experts think could also be genetic.

Along with genetics, experts say sometimes parents unintentionally encourage eating disorders. What do experts advise? Avoid the “d” word. “I never like to hear it, especially when kids are involved with the word diet. That’s kind of a restrictive word. You shouldn’t restrict your kids from having different types of food.

What I do recommend is making sure that they have healthy options at home,” says Sara Price, personal trainer.

Next, remember that parents are role models and your children are watching.

“Moms who are so ultra-concerned about weight and size because of their own struggles, even with a child who doesn’t have a problem, may be putting undue concern and focus on this. Creating a fear, creating an anxiety,” says Paige Love, registered dietician.

Non-stop diets, weighing and measuring food, counting every calorie, and constantly weighing yourself can all send a message.

“You don’t want to trigger eating disorders, which you really can. You can get obsessive with food and calories and exercise; you can create a monster that you will regret,” says Kathleen Zelman, registered dietician.

Experts say that the best advice is also the most obvious: focus on who your child is, not how much he or she weighs.

“Listen to your daughter. If you actually hear who she is, what she thinks, what she feels, what her true self is, then that’s what you value more than how she looks. Then she’ll start to believe that that’s sufficient,” says Rick Kilmer, Ph.D., licensed psychologist.

Kathryn is better now, but it took months of love and support and therapy.

“I’ve come a long way physically, but more so mentally. I was lucky, definitely lucky,” says Kathryn.

Tips for Parents

Warning signs of Anorexia: (Nemours Foundation)
Drops weight to about 20% below normal
Denies feeling hungry
Exercises excessively and feels fat
Withdraws from social activities

Therapy or counseling is a critical part of treating eating disorders and in many cases, family therapy is one of the keys to eating healthily again. (Nemours Foundation)

The most critical thing about treating eating disorders is to recognize and address the problem as soon as possible like all bad habits, unhealthy eating patterns become harder to break the longer a person takes part in them. (Nemours Foundation)

Carefully consider comments you may make, about other people’s appearance and weight. (Bellott Clinic, Eating Disorder Clinic)

Eating disorders can be triggered by a major life change or trauma for a child. Be particularly attentive after such events as a divorce or moving to a new city. (Bellott Clinic, Eating Disorder Clinic)

References

Nemours Foundation

Bellott Clinic, Eating Disorder Clinic

Sue Scheff: Connect with Kids - Parenting Teenagers is Hard

Loving your kids is easy: Parenting teenagers is hard.

Parents today face very real and sometimes frightening concerns about their children’s lives. As they get older, your kids have their own interests, problems, even their own language. So what's the key to parenting?

You could buy a book…but your child probably won’t read it. You could search the Internet for advice, and ask other parents. Those are good options, but there's one that's even better for parenting teenagers: reality-based DVDs for kids and parents to watch and learn together.

Parents don’t typically think of buying a DVD to help them with the issues their children or a problem teenager faces, but this is powerful positive television programming produced by the Emmy® award-winning Connect With Kids team.

Build Your Own Library

We have a complete library of half-hour programs devoted to parenting teenagers and kids, all related to social, emotional and physical health. These aren’t lectures or scare tactics strictly about how to deal with a problem teenager; they’re true stories of real kids facing issues like drugs, drinking, STDs, obesity, racism, peer pressure, body image, bullying, and more.

These powerful stories are unscripted, unrehearsed and told in kids’ own words, so your children will easily relate to them without feeling defensive, embarrassed, pressured or talked down to. The kids' stories are supported with interviews and advice from leading child specialists, health experts, educators and counselors.

Watching together is a great way to start talking with your kids. Each 30-minute video is only $19.95, and comes with a Viewing Guide with facts, suggested conversation starters and professional advice. To order, visit our products page.

Sue Scheff: Connect with Kids - Anger Management for Kids

Stop and talk to the child; let's look at what is really going on internally because many times people hold anger in until it just overflows.”
– Sherry Blake, Ph.D., psychologist

Shouting, screaming, fighting, throwing punches -- how often does this happen in the lives of your children and their friends? If you ask kids, the answer is a lot more often than you might think.

There are all sorts of things that can make kids angry.

“When a person cuts me in line and stuff like that,” says Jake, 7.

“They were on the trampoline and they pushed me down. Now, that makes me angry,” says Walter, 11.

Sometimes this leads to fighting.

“Once I get into a fight, I can’t get out,” says Michael, 10.

In fact, in a new survey of kids 9 to 13 years old, 30 percent say they get angry at someone their age every day. A quarter of those children end up in a fight with kids punching each other. That behavior surprises their parents.

“So many times I’ll hear parents say, ’I have no idea where that comes from; I have no idea what happened there.’ Well, the reality is that if they would stop for a minute, they would find that some of their own behaviors are a reflection, on a different level, of what they’re seeing their child doing,” says Sherry Blake, Ph.D., psychologist.

What’s the best way for parents to help kids handle anger? Show them, says Blake.

“They see your behavior. Your behavior is one where you’ll stop, talk and try to work things out using techniques other than aggression.

Then they learn that’s the way to do it,” says Blake.

She says there’s another lesson that parents can teach kids: the way to defuse anger is to know why you’re angry in the first place.

“Stop and talk to the child; let’s look at what is really going on internally because many times people hold anger in until it just overflows,” says Blake.

What’s more, she says, kids can learn how to control themselves.

“I learned to think calming thoughts. [Also] count back from five when you’re angry,” says Jake. “When you’re really angry, count back from 10,” he adds.

Tips for Parents

The American Psychological Association says that anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to violent outcomes at home and at school. In fact, many teens today have a difficult time keeping their anger under control.

Anger creates physical changes that both teens and parents need to recognize – the heart rate goes up, blood pressure rises and adrenaline levels start to soar. Once these changes occur, coupled with thoughts that fuel anger, the emotion can either be helpful or hurtful.

Provena Mercy Center cites the following warning signs indicating that your teen’s anger is unhealthy:

A frequent loss of temper at the slightest provocation
Brooding, isolation from family and friends
Damage to one’s body or property
A need to exact revenge on others
Decreased involvement in social activity

If you believe your teen has a problem with anger, it is your job to help him or her develop positive conflict resolution techniques. The University of Michigan Health System (UMHS) says that teaching children strategies for dealing with their anger is particularly difficult because it can be hard to know when your child will get angry again. As much as possible, use the time between angry outbursts to discuss and practice how to deal with anger.

The UMHS outlines the following components of teaching your child anger management:


Practice a substitute behavior.

You and your child should practice a substitute behavior to use when he or she is about to get angry. Some ideas include counting, counting backward or visualizing a picture in your mind, such as a peaceful place or a stop sign.


Reward. Sit down with your child and figure out some rewards that he or she can earn by practicing the exercises (on a daily basis) and when he or she uses the exercises when frustrated or angry.

Don’t skip the rewards – they are essential to the success of anger management in children.

Give examples.

Try to think of times when you deal effectively with your own stress and point these out, very briefly, to your child.

Also, share your coping strategy with your child to give an example of how he or she could deal with a similar situation. It is also important that your child see you successfully deal with your own anger.

Encourage using the exercises. When your child starts to get upset, briefly encourage him or her to practice the substitute behavior. Only prompt your child once. Do not continue to bother him or her about using the exercises.

Avoid arguments and discipline consistently. Avoid arguing with your child. Everybody loses when a confrontation occurs. You need to set a good example and deal with your child in a quiet, matter-of-fact manner.

Teens often require specific strategies that are less formal to help them cope with their anger. Share with your teen the following tips to try the next time he or she begins to lose his or her temper: (Nemours Foundation)

Listen to music (with your headphones on) and dance with some anger-inspired energy.
Write it down in any form – poetry or a journal, for example.

Draw it – scribble, doodle or sketch your angry feelings using strong color or lines.
Play a sport or work out. You’ll be amazed at how physical activity helps to work the anger out.
Meditate or practice deep breathing.

This one works best if you do it regularly, not when you’re actually having a meltdown. It’s more of a stress management technique and will help you use self-control and not blow a fuse when you’re mad.

Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. Lots of times, other feelings like fear or sadness lie beneath the anger. Talking about these feelings can help.

Distract yourself so you can get your mind past what’s bugging you. Watch television, read or go to the movies instead of stewing for hours about something.

Parents who teach anger-management strategies and encourage non-aggressive conflict-resolution techniques early on may find the teenage years less challenging. If your child has long-lasting feelings of anger or is unable to adopt coping strategies, seek medical assistance and treatment. (U.S. Department of Education)

References

American Psychological Association

Nemours Foundation

Provena Mercy Center

University of Michigan Health System

U.S. Department of Education

Sue Scheff: Connect with Kids: Drug Conversation

“The parents need to be very clear at saying. I am not giving you permission to do that. I am not telling you that it’s a good idea, I’m telling you that it’s a bad idea. And here’s why it’s a bad idea. That’s why we have rules now as your parents because we’ve learned from our own mistakes.”
– Nancy McGarrah, Ph.D., child psychologist

“People just automatically assume that we do drugs and drink,” says Blaze, 15.
They have long hair and play in a rock-and-roll band, but Blaze and his twin brother Reid have never even experimented with drugs.

“Our parents expect us to be ourselves and do what we think is right and know that drugs are stupid and a waste of time, and that we shouldn’t be doing them, “ says Blaze.

They’ve been hearing that message from their parents since they were very young.

“It’s pretty clear that if we’re ever caught doing drugs or anything like that then, we’re going to be punished severely,” says Reid, 15.

According to a new survey from the partnership for a drug-free America, the number of parents talking to their children about drugs has dropped 12 percent since 2005.

“You know I can’t tell you how many times parents come in and they have never, never approached the word drugs or alcohol with their kids. They just want to ignore it. If they ignore it it will just go away and their kid won’t be involved,” says Shirley Kaczmarski, Ph.D., educator.

“If a parent does assume that, there’s a good chance that the kids will do it, because it’s like saying ‘you have my permission’, basically,” says Lynn, the twin’s mother.

Experts say, if you end up talking about your own experiences with drugs when you were young, make sure your kids don’t misinterpret that to mean drug use is ok.

“The parent needs to be very clear at saying. I am not giving you permission to do that. I am not telling you that it’s a good idea, but I’m telling you that it’s a bad idea. And here’s why it’s a bad idea.

That’s why we have rules now as your parents because we’ve learned from our own mistakes, ” says Nancy McGarrah, Ph.D., child psychologist.

“We’ve talked about specific incidences with people that we’ve known in the past (friends that we’ve lost in the 9th grade, you know, so and so died of drugs and things like that) there’s no good outcome to it. It’s a poor choice,” says Lynne.

That’s now the opinion of her twins.

“If you know the risks of the drugs, then you probably won’t do it. You’ll realize how stupid it is,” says Blaze.

Tips for Parents

Be an involved parent. (American Academy of Pediatrics, AAP)

Show interest in your teenager’s activities and friends.

Talk openly, honestly, and respectfully with your teenager.

Set clear limits and expectations.

Know what’s going on at school and after school.

Teach your teenager how to safely avoid violence.

Encourage independence while teaching safety. (AAP)

As teenagers are testing their new independent roles, it’s not an easy time for parents, but if teens don’t get love, security, and a feeling of safety from their family, they might look elsewhere, even toward friends who are a bad influence, such as gang members.

One of the best ways parents can help their teenagers stay safe is to teach them how to avoid violence.

Positive communication is very important.

Good communication involves talking and listening with your teenager.

Your goal is to have open, respectful, and honest conversations.

Teens need to feel loved and that their point of view is respected, even when you disagree. (AAP)

Respect your child’s thoughts and opinions without judging them. Support your child’s interests and strengths, but don’t force things.

(National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, NICHD)

Parents need to be careful about how they express approval or disapproval. Parents who are harsh in their disapproval may hurt their children’s self-esteem; parents who never express disapproval may raise children who can’t deal with any criticism.

Try to find a balance between expressions of approval and disapproval. Be consistent in your rewards and punishments. (NICHD)

References

American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP)

National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD)

Sue Scheff: Preteens Get Alcohol from Home by Emily Halevy

“I woke up in the driver’s seat, blood all over me, glass everywhere. The doctors said my friend had 48 hours to live.”
– Nick, 19

Nick, who wishes to remain anonymous, started drinking when he was 12 years old.

“I loved it. I was off to the races then. It made me feel 10 feet tall and bulletproof,” says Nick, now 19.

Where did he get his first taste?

”I think it was off of some Jack Daniels I got out of my parents’ liquor cabinet,” says Nick.

In fact, according to a report published in the journal, Preventive Medicine, preteens are more likely to get alcohol from their own home or a friend’s home than any other place.

“I think parents are just oblivious to the fact that their kids are drinking,” says Ari Russell, substance abuse prevention director at Guide, Inc. (Gwinnett United in Drug Education in Georgia).

“They just think that they are too young to start thinking about alcohol. And so they are not checking their supplies, they are not seeing the whiskey going down in the bottle.

Is there a beer missing from the refrigerator?

Is there a wine cooler missing from the refrigerator? They are not even paying attention to it.”

Experts say the younger children start drinking, the more likely they are to suffer damage to their brain, heart and liver, and the less likely they are to ever put the bottle down.

“If they start drinking before age 15, the chances of them developing alcoholism are much greater because they are learning early on to use alcohol as a social crutch,” says Russell.

Nick’s last drink was more than a year ago, and it was the night he totaled his truck while drinking and driving.

“I woke up in the driver’s seat, blood all over me, glass everywhere. The doctors said my friend had 48 hours to live,” says Nick.

Nick’s mom says if she had to do it over again, she’d make sure the alcohol was out of his reach.
“It wasn’t that easily accessible; I would certainly make it totally inaccessible,” says Kathy, Nick’s mother.

Tips for Parents

Send your children a clear and consistent message that you do not want them to drink before the age of 21.

Do not make exceptions for special occasions like prom parties, spring break or graduation parties. Kids who are allowed to drink at home will believe “drinking is no big deal to my parents.” This will make them more likely to drink outside the home. (Dr. Michael Fishman, addiction specialist)

Lock up your alcohol. Two-thirds of teens admit they have stolen liquor from their parents without their parents’ knowledge. (Teenage Research Unlimited)

Inform your children about the risks of underage drinking. Research from the VA Medical Center in San Diego shows that the part of the brain responsible for memory and certain learning functions (the hippocampi) is affected by alcohol. Hippocampi in the brains of teenagers who drink were, on average, about 10 percent smaller than the hippocampi in the brains of non-drinking teens. If the hippocampi are damaged, it can affect a person’s memory and ability to learn certain functions. (American Medical Association)

Underage drinking is also associated with future alcohol dependence. Analyses of data from the National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions show that people who began drinking before age 15 are four times more likely to develop alcohol dependence during their lifetime than those who began drinking at age 21 or later.

References

The American Medical Association (AMA)

Teenage Research Unlimited

Dr. Michael Fishman, addiction specialist

Sue Scheff - Connect with Kids on Bullying

Bullying Trauma Lasts for Years


Wednesday, September 12th, 2007

Robert Seith CWK Producer

“Now, I don’t want to be alarming to parents, but kids who have chronic and serious bullying from a young age on, they’re at risk for adult psychological difficulties and even suicide.”
– Sandra Graham, Ph.D., psychologist

The school years can be tough for victims of bullies, but new research reports that the psychological harm of bullying often continues for years or even decades.

Seventeen-year-old Bill says that for him, being bullied started in elementary school when he was a little overweight. He was bullied and called names.

“Faggot, gay, stupid, idiot, fat. That’s about it. Faggot and gay were the ones they really hit on the most,” says Bill.

The bullying continued until all Bill felt was the hurt.

“By my 8th grade year I had no self esteem and I really felt like I had nothing on the inside. I just felt like a walking shell, like there was nothing I could do, and I would always be upset,” says Bill.

It turns out that “always” may not be an exaggeration. According to a study reported in the Pediatrics Journal, the hurt continues long after the bullying ends.

The study reports that when bullied kids grow up, they’re more likely to suffer from serious anxiety disorders.

“Now, I don’t want to be alarming to parents, but kids who have chronic and serious bullying from a young age on, they’re at risk for adult psychological difficulties and even suicide,” says Sandra Graham, Ph.D., psychologist.

That’s why experts recommend a two-step process to help your child. First, do everything you can to stop the bullying or remove the child from that environment.

Second, get professional help for the child to improve his or her self-image and help understand the issues.

Graham says that kids need to know “you have an opportunity to redefine your identity, and not necessarily carry your victim reputation with you. We want kids to know and understand that this is not something that is going to be with you for the rest of your life,”.

Bill says he will do his best to put the bullying behind him, even though he says it robbed him of his childhood.

“I’m starting to grow up. I know I’m never going to get that back. I can try to do the best right now to live my life to the fullest,” says Bill.

Tips for Parents

Remember that being bullied is not your fault, and there’s nothing wrong with you.

No one deserves to be bullied! (Canadian Red Cross)

Bullying isn’t just physical violence -- threatening someone, laughing at them, taunting them, starting nasty rumors about them or not letting them hang out with you or your friends is all bullying. (Canadian Red Cross)

If you feel safe doing so, tell an adult you trust that you are being bullied. Keep telling until you get help. (Canadian Red Cross)

Don't give the bully a chance. As much as you can, avoid the bully. Stand tall and be brave. When you're scared of another person, you're probably not feeling your bravest. But sometimes just acting brave is enough to stop a bully. (Nemours Foundation)

Get a buddy (and be a buddy). Two is better than one if you're trying to avoid being bullied.

Make a plan to walk with a friend or two on the way to school or at recess or lunch, or wherever you think you might meet the bully. Offer to do the same if a friend is having bully trouble. (Nemours Foundation)

Parents, remember that you are a role model for your child. Your child is bonded with you. That is why he or she wants to be like you, at least when he or she is young.

Often, whatever you do, your child will do. Whatever you say or believe, your child will repeat. (United States Department of Health and Human Services)

Once the facts are on the table, a detailed plan must be drawn up regarding how you and the school together can put an end to the bullying. (AAP)

References

American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP)
Nemours Foundation
United States Department of Health and Human Services
Canadian Red Cross