When Parents Blame the School

Source: Connect with Kids

“Academics was hard, and trying to fit in was harder.”

– Brendon, 14, talking about his experience in a new middle school

When Brendon Yag entered middle school, his grades began to drop and so did his attitude.

“Academics was hard and trying to fit in was harder,” says Brendon, 14.

His mom says she met with the principal, and didn’t like what she heard. “He felt I needed to let my child fail,” says Meg Yag, “to understand the consequences of what he was or was not doing.”

Meg lost confidence in the school’s approach, but experts warn when dissatisfaction with a school turns into outward disrespect voiced by the parent, the child may feel it’s okay to misbehave.

“The child is in between, like a custody case between the school and parents, and will take an opportunity not to respect the rules of the school,” says psychologist Dr. June Kaufman.

Brendon’s mom was careful to not criticize the school in front of her son. “The school is a fabulous school for the right kind of kid. It was not the right kind of school for my kids,” she says.

After two years floundering in his middle school, Brendon switched to a different school. But experts say if parents don’t have that choice, and their child is having problems, there are a couple things the parent can do.

First, visit the school before forming an opinion, and observe your child to get a better idea of what really is going on.

Second, talk with administrators about how they might be able to better accommodate your child’s learning needs.

“And importantly,” says Kaufman, “if there’s a choice among teachers, try to determine in conversation with the teacher before they enroll, if they think that child is a good fit, with the teacher.”

And parents should always make kids realize, you won’t always blame the school, or the teacher, if your child has problems.

“My mom told me that if I get in trouble again, I get in big trouble,” says Brendon, “So I’m good now.”

Tips for Parents
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Should parents side with their child in a dispute between the child and the school? Here are excerpts from an interview on the subject with Dr. June Kaufman, a licensed psychologist:

“I think it creates more problems when (parents) side with their child,” Dr. Kaufman says. “The child is in between, like in a custody case, between the school and parents, and the child will take the opportunity not to respect the rules of the school…

“The most important thing is to have a good fit between the child, teacher and school and have a situation where the parents can work with the school. If the parents are getting calls every day at work about behavior problems at school, they have to look into it, they have to respond, without blaming the school. I think they should look at a school’s policies and, importantly, if there’s a choice among teachers, try to determine in conversations with the teacher—before they enroll the child—if they think their child is a good fit with the teacher. The child has to know, ‘this is a good place for you.’

“I think you have to say to the child, ‘I’ve heard from the teacher that there’s (a problem). I don’t know the whole story. I’ll take your side this time, but if this behavior continues, I’m going to be meeting with the teacher and learning much more about it. So, I don’t know the whole story yet and I might even have to observe in the classroom.’

“There isn’t a perfect child, and even the most model child may even have difficulty, so you don’t want to necessarily believe everything your child tells you.”

Some suggestions for positive steps toward better discipline from the National Education Association (NEA):

Let your children know you like them. Tell your children how much you admire their good qualities.
Let your children know exactly what you expect of them – set limits.
Encourage responsible decision-making. Whenever possible, find areas in which you know your children can make decisions for themselves.
Set a good example. Remember that children are great imitators.
Encourage your children to respect authority. At home, in school, and in other areas of their lives, your children need to know the importance of respecting authority.
If your child is having problems in or out of school, the NEA says don’t waste your time blaming yourself. Although you share the responsibility for your children’s development, you aren’t the only one who influences them. Communicate with your children about the problems they are having. Help them look for solutions.

Finally, the NEA says, “Keep in mind that you can’t shield your children from the problems of the real world. Nor can you keep accidents from happening. Some attempts at good parenting may be overzealous. By trying to avoid being too protective and solicitous for your children’s concerns you can help them become truly independent people.”

References
Dr. June Kaufman, psychologist
National Education Association

Kids Not Prepared for College? By Connect with Kids

“We found that when students take those upper-level courses, beyond Algebra Two... it greatly increased their chances of being ready for college.”

– Jon Erickson, ACT Educational Services

Twins Lauren and Stefanie Milligan are college freshman. Both of them say their high school wasn’t all that demanding.

Lauren says: “I saw teachers who lacked willingness to really be there. Teachers who I thought didn’t really seem to care about preparing their students.” And she notes, “I didn’t see a lot of incentives in my school for students to be academically motivated. We didn’t really get any kind of rewards or anything like that for being motivated.”

Stefanie had a similar experience. “Most of my friends,” she says, “were in what was called on-level classes. And the on-level classes were not intense. (They) did not require much effort at all … didn’t require attendance, even.”

That leaves many experts wondering … are high school kids prepared for college?

Jon Erickson, vice president of educational services for ACT, which administers the annual college entrance exam, explains, “If students aren’t ready for college, especially as measured by the college readiness benchmarks, their odds of either not getting into college, of going into remediation or not doing well once in college or of not graduating are greatly increased.“

In fact, according to a study by the public awareness group ‘Strong American Schools,’ more than one-third of college freshman need remedial courses to catch up. And yet, 80 percent had a 3.0 or higher GPA in high school.

Experts say, the way to get ready for college is for high school kids to take the toughest courses they can.

“We found that when students take those upper-level courses beyond Algebra Two… the upper science courses like physics,” says Erickson, “it greatly increased their chances of being ready for college, regardless of how they do in high school.”

And he says parents can play a huge role in motivating their kids. “We find that if they help their students choose their four-year course plan very early in eighth-grade, that’s a great benefit to students.”

Stefanie and Lauren say they were encouraged to take those higher-level courses, and it’s paying off. Both are doing well in their first semester in college as they head into final exams.

“I’ve always been very into my education and wanting to push for success,” says Lauren, “and my parents always placed a big emphasis on my schoolwork.” Stefanie says, “I really feel that I was prepared, that I know what my teachers expect of me.”

Tips for Parents

Even with a diploma in hand, many high school graduates do not have all of the skills necessary to succeed in college-level coursework or workforce training. The “Diploma to Nowhere” study is one of many finding that students aren’t prepared for college. Among the findings in a report from ACT: Only 22 percent of the 1.2 million high school graduates who took the ACT Assessment in 2004 achieved scores that would deem them ready for college in all three basic academic areas — English, math and science.

Among the class of 2004, only 26 percent of ACT-tested high school graduates had scores indicating that they are ready to earn a "C" or higher in their first college biology course, and only 40 percent had scores indicating that they are ready to earn a "C" or higher in their first college algebra course. In addition, results from ACT's assessments for eighth- and 10th-graders have suggested that students who graduate from high school in 2006 and 2008 will be no better prepared for college than this year's graduates.

The ACT Assessment is published and administered by Iowa City-based ACT, formerly American College Testing. Similar to the SAT, the test measures college aptitude.
“The fact is, American high school students are not ready for college, and they’re not ready for work,” said Cynthia B. Schmeiser, ACT’s vice president for development.

Seventy-eight percent of students who took the ACT were not prepared for college-level biology, algebra or English-composition classes.

Eighth-, ninth-, and 10th-graders fared just as poorly on ACT-sponsored tests of their college readiness as 2004 graduates.

Of these younger students only 12 percent were prepared for postsecondary lessons in biology, 34 percent for algebra and 63 percent for English composition.

Curriculum changes may not bring quick results.
“When American public schools do not ensure students receive a quality education, they fail in their mission and in their obligation to taxpayers," says Strong American Schools Chairman Roy Romer. "Our country cannot afford a high school diploma that does not show real student achievement."

The ACT’s report “urges schools to strengthen the high school core curriculum to help improve students' readiness for college and the workforce. Students in K-8 who are not learning the foundational skills for rigorous high school coursework should be identified earlier and provided with supportive interventions, thus preparing them for higher-level math and science courses such as trigonometry, pre-calculus, chemistry and physics.

To increase the number of students ready for college and work, ACT is launching "Ready to Succeed," a national demonstration project that will focus on course quality and rigor. Selected school districts will work with a team of specialists to evaluate the rigor of their courses, to provide the resources and training necessary to improve them, and to measure improvements in student achievement.

Recent research indicates that the skills required for workforce training beyond high school are the same as those expected of a first-year college student.

Students at all levels of achievement can benefit from taking rigorous courses.
Too few high school students enroll in challenging classes, and the quality of those courses, which may look rigorous on paper, varies greatly by school.

The traditional core high school curriculum of four years of English and three years of mathematics and science may not be sufficient for students to be prepared for college. Students who took more than that minimum were far more likely to succeed in college, the study found.

References
ACT, Inc.
Education Week
Simple Things You Can Do To Help All Children Read Well
Strong American Schools

High School Transition by Connect with Kids

“(My sons are) scared and you’re nervous and you want to fit in. And hopefully they’ll come home and talk about it. And I know Kyle was worried about getting beaten up…and that’s the first time he’s mentioned that.”

– Carrie Bickwit, mother

Kyle and grant have spent the summer playing,

But now high school is just a few days away.

“As it gets closer it gets more… it hits me more that it’s that close,” says Kyle, 13.

“I’m a little nervous about all the homework,” admits twin brother Grant, “Everyone’s saying about how it’s going to be twice as much as middle school.”

Kyle worries about fitting in…

“I’m kind of shy,” he says, “And if you’re in with people you don’t really know, you’re afraid you’ll make a mistake and that’ll ruin you.”

Psychologist Nancy McGarrah, Ph.D., says there are plenty of kids who share Kyle and Grant’s concerns. “I hear a lot of headaches and stomach aches this time of year, because they are so anxious about going to school,” she says.

To help a child gear up academically, experts recommend a little extra reading the last several days before school begins.

“We’re actually doing a pre-reading book report and right now it’s taking a while ‘cause it’s summer and my brain’s off,” says Grant.

For a child worried about fitting in…experts suggest find a friend with an older son or daughter who’s been through it all…

“To tell them that this is going to be short lived,” says Dr. McGarrah, “This is going to be somewhat painful but it’s something you adjust to pretty quickly.”

Next, as soon as school starts, join a club, or activity- any small group where you can make friends.

“In a big school it’s even more important, because you really can feel lost in the crowd.”

Finally, whatever their fears or anxieties…

“I think it’s important to reassure them,” says Dr. McGarrah, “To tell them first of all that all kids feel that way. Even the kid that you look at as the most successful, attractive kid is probably feeling that way.”

Tips for Parents

Ninth grade is a time of great change in many students’ lives. They are either the “big men on campus” or else they are on the bottom of the totem pole. As the debate rages on as to whether ninth graders should be in middle or high school, experts have developed advantages and disadvantages to keeping ninth graders in the same school with the sixth, seventh and eight grades.

Advantages:

Ninth graders can have a leadership role that they would not enjoy in a senior high school setting.

The difference in age between age 14 (ninth grade) and age 18 (twelfth grade) is so great that it can be difficult for some ninth graders to adjust.
Some ninth graders are too young and immature to be placed with senior high school students.
The four-year stay in one school facilitates better relationships for students, staff and parents than a shorter stay.
Disadvantages:

Ninth graders are more like tenth, eleventh and twelfth graders because most have gone through puberty.

Separating ninth graders from tenth, eleventh and twelfth graders limits curriculum and extracurricular offerings for them.

The younger children, especially the sixth graders, may want to imitate the ninth graders and grow up too fast.

Ninth graders will experience a variety of new skills and milestones. It is always good for parents to have some idea of what their student is going through, and the following list should help.

Intellectual Skills – Higher expectations coincide with his/her own increasing abilities. He/she will have interests that span farther and wider than ever, in addition to a greater awareness and curiosity about the world around him/her. An example of your teenager’s expanding intellect is his/her newfound skill of deductive reasoning.

Social Skills – Your adolescent is becoming less egocentric in his/her views, and that gives a greater ability to compromise, to stay composed when he/she's in disagreement with someone and to be generally more tolerant and even-tempered. His/her view of the world will settle first on the friends he/she has around him/her.

Emotional changes – While your ninth-grader is less self-conscious than he/she has been in the past couple of years, he/she is most likely still uncertain about how he/she measures up. Physical appearance matters greatly to him/her, as well as how they're developing.
Challenges – Your student will encounter many challenges throughout the ninth grade year, and the most common ones are academic failure, eating too much or too little, struggling with abstinence versus teenage sex and adjusting to a bigger school.

References
U.S. Department of Education
Family Education Network
Parent Soup
Partnership for a Drug Free America

STD Rates Among Teen Girls

By Connect with Kids

“I wasn’t thinking about my parents, what would they think? I wasn’t thinking about getting pregnant, I wasn’t thinking about having AIDS or getting any STDs. I wasn’t thinking about anyone, just what was happening at the moment.”
– Kimberly, 17

The numbers are staggering: 3.2 million teenage girls in America have a sexually transmitted disease (STD). Why are so many young girls infected and what can parents do?
“I didn’t decide to have sex, it just happened,” says Kimberly, 17.

And, the first time Kimberly had sex, she didn’t use protection.

“I wasn’t thinking about my parents, what would they think? I wasn’t thinking about getting pregnant, I wasn’t thinking about having AIDS or getting any STDs. I wasn’t thinking about anyone, just what was happening at the moment,” says Kimberly.
Did she get an STD that first time?

“It was unprotected sex, and I could have anything right now, this is how easy it is to get these diseases,” says Kimberly.

The Centers for Disease Control reports that 1 in 4 teen girls has an STD. Even more startling, half of all African-American teen girls are infected. Experts say in many U.S. households, parents just aren’t teaching their children about the health dangers of sex.

“In the African-American community, I think it’s very hard to talk about issues surrounding HIV, surrounding STDs, surrounding teenage pregnancy. They’re not teaching them how to say no, they’re just teaching them not to do it. They’re not empowering them to stand up for themselves. They’re not giving them any tools. They’re just saying, ‘don’t do it; if you do it this is going to happen,’” says Zina Age, MSW, HIV and STD prevention advocate.

Age says if kids can see a productive future for themselves, they’re more likely to protect that future.

“They don’t have the tools to know that at 16, I don’t get pregnant; that at 16, I go to college or I graduate. They don’t have any role models to show that this actually take place. And that’s the part that’s scary,” says Age.

Kimberly was lucky -- she didn’t have an STD, but she learned a lesson.

“I used to be afraid of telling my boyfriend, ‘can you please put a condom on?’ In the moment, you’re just letting everything flow and it’s stopping everything [to ask] ‘can you go put a condom on?’ It’s kind of hard to do that. But now I actually stop and think about what I’m doing, so I learned a lot about that,” says Kimberly.

Tips for Parents

It's never too late to talk to your child about STDs. After all, a late talk is better than no talk at all. But the best time to start having these discussions is during the preteen or middle school years. (Nemours Foundation)

Questions are a good starting point for a discussion. When kids are curious, they're more open to hearing what their parents have to say. Another way to initiate a discussion is to use a media cue, such as a TV program or an article in the paper, and ask your child what he or she thinks about it. (Nemours Foundation)

Be informed. STDs can be a frightening and confusing subject, so it may help if you read up on STD transmission and prevention. You don't want to add any misinformation, and being familiar with the topic will make you feel more comfortable. (Nemours Foundation)

Ask your child what he or she already knows about STDs and what else your child would like to learn. Remember, though: Your child may already know a lot more than you realize, although much of that information could be incorrect. Parents need to provide accurate information so their kids can make the right decisions and protect themselves. (Nemours Foundation)

The only sure way to remain STD-free is to nothave sex or intimate contact with anyone outside of a committed, monogamous relationship, such as marriage. (Nemours Foundation)
References
Nemours Foundation

Boys Don't Graduate by Connect with Kids

“I just think it’s much more doable than we say it is, if we would just put aside some of the excuses and engage these young men. They’re waiting for us.”

– Dr. Michael Glascoe, superintendent

Where have all the boys gone? You may be able to find them in the gym, at a job or hanging out, but there’s one important place where boys are under-represented, and the problem seems to be getting worse.

These days, at high school graduation ceremonies, there are a lot more girls than boys.

“Yeah, a lot of my friends dropped out of high school, and they were all males,” says John Lutz, student

In fact, according to a new study published in Education Week, every year, 10 percent more girls graduate from high school than boys.

“I think that there is tendency to focus on boys as problems at this point, rather than recognizing that boys have problems,” says Joanne Max, Ph.D., psychologist.

Experts say the problems start in grade school, where there is often an emphasis on sports instead of reading, for example.

“I think that with boys there is some idea that it’s not masculine or macho to read,” says Rob Jenkins, English professor.

There is also a shortage of male teachers as role models.

“I think boys need role models, so if you’re a boy and you don’t have a dad in your home and then you have one male teacher and it’s your athletic coach, then I don’t think you have a message that education is very important,” says Carol Carter, author and child advocate.

In addition, classrooms often have too little activity and too much passive listening, which is not conducive to boys.

“Just a teacher up there giving a lecture to 32 students who couldn’t care less,” says Kevin, 15.

Experts say parents can fight back in many ways. Read to your sons early and often; show by your actions that you value their education. Ask them about their schoolwork, offer help, drop by their classroom and, finally, appeal to their competitive spirit: challenge them to do better and help them understand that their future depends on it.

“I just think it’s much more doable than we say it is, if we would just put aside some of the excuses and engage these young men. They’re waiting for us,” says Dr. Michael Glascoe, superintendent.

Tips for Parents

Learning how to focus and get something done is about more than getting good grades — it's the foundation for success in life. Mastering the skills of getting organized, staying focused and seeing work through to the end will help in just about everything you do. (Nemours Foundation)

The work in high school builds off of what you learned in middle school, giving you a more advanced knowledge of many academic subjects. (Nemours Foundation)

If you ever find your work too overwhelming, teachers and tutors are available for extra help. While you have more independence as a high school student than you might have in middle school, there are still many resources to fall back on if you feel that the work is too much. (Nemours Foundation)

Be patient and keep trying. Once you've adjusted to your new independence you may find you can go farther than you ever imagined. (Nemours Foundation)

In summary, here's a quick checklist of things that can help you focus: (Nemours Foundation)

DO know your deadlines.
DO make a calendar of stages and final due dates.
DO include social events on this calendar for time management.
DO understand the assignment and expectations.
DO give yourself a quiet place to study with all the materials you need.
DO give yourself brief breaks.

DON'T put work off until the last minute; you'll be too frantic to focus.
DON'T do your homework late at night or in bed.
DON'T let yourself be bored; find the aspect of the project or paper that interests you -- if you're dying of boredom, something's not right.

References

Nemours Foundation