Stop and talk to the child; let's look at what is really going on internally because many times people hold anger in until it just overflows.”
– Sherry Blake, Ph.D., psychologist
Shouting, screaming, fighting, throwing punches -- how often does this happen in the lives of your children and their friends? If you ask kids, the answer is a lot more often than you might think.
There are all sorts of things that can make kids angry.
“When a person cuts me in line and stuff like that,” says Jake, 7.
“They were on the trampoline and they pushed me down. Now, that makes me angry,” says Walter, 11.
Sometimes this leads to fighting.
“Once I get into a fight, I can’t get out,” says Michael, 10.
In fact, in a new survey of kids 9 to 13 years old, 30 percent say they get angry at someone their age every day. A quarter of those children end up in a fight with kids punching each other. That behavior surprises their parents.
“So many times I’ll hear parents say, ’I have no idea where that comes from; I have no idea what happened there.’ Well, the reality is that if they would stop for a minute, they would find that some of their own behaviors are a reflection, on a different level, of what they’re seeing their child doing,” says Sherry Blake, Ph.D., psychologist.
What’s the best way for parents to help kids handle anger? Show them, says Blake.
“They see your behavior. Your behavior is one where you’ll stop, talk and try to work things out using techniques other than aggression.
Then they learn that’s the way to do it,” says Blake.
She says there’s another lesson that parents can teach kids: the way to defuse anger is to know why you’re angry in the first place.
“Stop and talk to the child; let’s look at what is really going on internally because many times people hold anger in until it just overflows,” says Blake.
What’s more, she says, kids can learn how to control themselves.
“I learned to think calming thoughts. [Also] count back from five when you’re angry,” says Jake. “When you’re really angry, count back from 10,” he adds.
Tips for Parents
The American Psychological Association says that anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to violent outcomes at home and at school. In fact, many teens today have a difficult time keeping their anger under control.
Anger creates physical changes that both teens and parents need to recognize – the heart rate goes up, blood pressure rises and adrenaline levels start to soar. Once these changes occur, coupled with thoughts that fuel anger, the emotion can either be helpful or hurtful.
Provena Mercy Center cites the following warning signs indicating that your teen’s anger is unhealthy:
A frequent loss of temper at the slightest provocation
Brooding, isolation from family and friends
Damage to one’s body or property
A need to exact revenge on others
Decreased involvement in social activity
If you believe your teen has a problem with anger, it is your job to help him or her develop positive conflict resolution techniques. The University of Michigan Health System (UMHS) says that teaching children strategies for dealing with their anger is particularly difficult because it can be hard to know when your child will get angry again. As much as possible, use the time between angry outbursts to discuss and practice how to deal with anger.
The UMHS outlines the following components of teaching your child anger management:
Practice a substitute behavior.
You and your child should practice a substitute behavior to use when he or she is about to get angry. Some ideas include counting, counting backward or visualizing a picture in your mind, such as a peaceful place or a stop sign.
Reward. Sit down with your child and figure out some rewards that he or she can earn by practicing the exercises (on a daily basis) and when he or she uses the exercises when frustrated or angry.
Don’t skip the rewards – they are essential to the success of anger management in children.
Give examples.
Try to think of times when you deal effectively with your own stress and point these out, very briefly, to your child.
Also, share your coping strategy with your child to give an example of how he or she could deal with a similar situation. It is also important that your child see you successfully deal with your own anger.
Encourage using the exercises. When your child starts to get upset, briefly encourage him or her to practice the substitute behavior. Only prompt your child once. Do not continue to bother him or her about using the exercises.
Avoid arguments and discipline consistently. Avoid arguing with your child. Everybody loses when a confrontation occurs. You need to set a good example and deal with your child in a quiet, matter-of-fact manner.
Teens often require specific strategies that are less formal to help them cope with their anger. Share with your teen the following tips to try the next time he or she begins to lose his or her temper: (Nemours Foundation)
Listen to music (with your headphones on) and dance with some anger-inspired energy.
Write it down in any form – poetry or a journal, for example.
Draw it – scribble, doodle or sketch your angry feelings using strong color or lines.
Play a sport or work out. You’ll be amazed at how physical activity helps to work the anger out.
Meditate or practice deep breathing.
This one works best if you do it regularly, not when you’re actually having a meltdown. It’s more of a stress management technique and will help you use self-control and not blow a fuse when you’re mad.
Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. Lots of times, other feelings like fear or sadness lie beneath the anger. Talking about these feelings can help.
Distract yourself so you can get your mind past what’s bugging you. Watch television, read or go to the movies instead of stewing for hours about something.
Parents who teach anger-management strategies and encourage non-aggressive conflict-resolution techniques early on may find the teenage years less challenging. If your child has long-lasting feelings of anger or is unable to adopt coping strategies, seek medical assistance and treatment. (U.S. Department of Education)
References
American Psychological Association
Nemours Foundation
Provena Mercy Center
University of Michigan Health System
U.S. Department of Education
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Sue Scheff: Connect with Kids: Drug Conversation
“The parents need to be very clear at saying. I am not giving you permission to do that. I am not telling you that it’s a good idea, I’m telling you that it’s a bad idea. And here’s why it’s a bad idea. That’s why we have rules now as your parents because we’ve learned from our own mistakes.”
– Nancy McGarrah, Ph.D., child psychologist
“People just automatically assume that we do drugs and drink,” says Blaze, 15.
They have long hair and play in a rock-and-roll band, but Blaze and his twin brother Reid have never even experimented with drugs.
“Our parents expect us to be ourselves and do what we think is right and know that drugs are stupid and a waste of time, and that we shouldn’t be doing them, “ says Blaze.
They’ve been hearing that message from their parents since they were very young.
“It’s pretty clear that if we’re ever caught doing drugs or anything like that then, we’re going to be punished severely,” says Reid, 15.
According to a new survey from the partnership for a drug-free America, the number of parents talking to their children about drugs has dropped 12 percent since 2005.
“You know I can’t tell you how many times parents come in and they have never, never approached the word drugs or alcohol with their kids. They just want to ignore it. If they ignore it it will just go away and their kid won’t be involved,” says Shirley Kaczmarski, Ph.D., educator.
“If a parent does assume that, there’s a good chance that the kids will do it, because it’s like saying ‘you have my permission’, basically,” says Lynn, the twin’s mother.
Experts say, if you end up talking about your own experiences with drugs when you were young, make sure your kids don’t misinterpret that to mean drug use is ok.
“The parent needs to be very clear at saying. I am not giving you permission to do that. I am not telling you that it’s a good idea, but I’m telling you that it’s a bad idea. And here’s why it’s a bad idea.
That’s why we have rules now as your parents because we’ve learned from our own mistakes, ” says Nancy McGarrah, Ph.D., child psychologist.
“We’ve talked about specific incidences with people that we’ve known in the past (friends that we’ve lost in the 9th grade, you know, so and so died of drugs and things like that) there’s no good outcome to it. It’s a poor choice,” says Lynne.
That’s now the opinion of her twins.
“If you know the risks of the drugs, then you probably won’t do it. You’ll realize how stupid it is,” says Blaze.
Tips for Parents
Be an involved parent. (American Academy of Pediatrics, AAP)
Show interest in your teenager’s activities and friends.
Talk openly, honestly, and respectfully with your teenager.
Set clear limits and expectations.
Know what’s going on at school and after school.
Teach your teenager how to safely avoid violence.
Encourage independence while teaching safety. (AAP)
As teenagers are testing their new independent roles, it’s not an easy time for parents, but if teens don’t get love, security, and a feeling of safety from their family, they might look elsewhere, even toward friends who are a bad influence, such as gang members.
One of the best ways parents can help their teenagers stay safe is to teach them how to avoid violence.
Positive communication is very important.
Good communication involves talking and listening with your teenager.
Your goal is to have open, respectful, and honest conversations.
Teens need to feel loved and that their point of view is respected, even when you disagree. (AAP)
Respect your child’s thoughts and opinions without judging them. Support your child’s interests and strengths, but don’t force things.
(National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, NICHD)
Parents need to be careful about how they express approval or disapproval. Parents who are harsh in their disapproval may hurt their children’s self-esteem; parents who never express disapproval may raise children who can’t deal with any criticism.
Try to find a balance between expressions of approval and disapproval. Be consistent in your rewards and punishments. (NICHD)
References
American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP)
National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD)
– Nancy McGarrah, Ph.D., child psychologist
“People just automatically assume that we do drugs and drink,” says Blaze, 15.
They have long hair and play in a rock-and-roll band, but Blaze and his twin brother Reid have never even experimented with drugs.
“Our parents expect us to be ourselves and do what we think is right and know that drugs are stupid and a waste of time, and that we shouldn’t be doing them, “ says Blaze.
They’ve been hearing that message from their parents since they were very young.
“It’s pretty clear that if we’re ever caught doing drugs or anything like that then, we’re going to be punished severely,” says Reid, 15.
According to a new survey from the partnership for a drug-free America, the number of parents talking to their children about drugs has dropped 12 percent since 2005.
“You know I can’t tell you how many times parents come in and they have never, never approached the word drugs or alcohol with their kids. They just want to ignore it. If they ignore it it will just go away and their kid won’t be involved,” says Shirley Kaczmarski, Ph.D., educator.
“If a parent does assume that, there’s a good chance that the kids will do it, because it’s like saying ‘you have my permission’, basically,” says Lynn, the twin’s mother.
Experts say, if you end up talking about your own experiences with drugs when you were young, make sure your kids don’t misinterpret that to mean drug use is ok.
“The parent needs to be very clear at saying. I am not giving you permission to do that. I am not telling you that it’s a good idea, but I’m telling you that it’s a bad idea. And here’s why it’s a bad idea.
That’s why we have rules now as your parents because we’ve learned from our own mistakes, ” says Nancy McGarrah, Ph.D., child psychologist.
“We’ve talked about specific incidences with people that we’ve known in the past (friends that we’ve lost in the 9th grade, you know, so and so died of drugs and things like that) there’s no good outcome to it. It’s a poor choice,” says Lynne.
That’s now the opinion of her twins.
“If you know the risks of the drugs, then you probably won’t do it. You’ll realize how stupid it is,” says Blaze.
Tips for Parents
Be an involved parent. (American Academy of Pediatrics, AAP)
Show interest in your teenager’s activities and friends.
Talk openly, honestly, and respectfully with your teenager.
Set clear limits and expectations.
Know what’s going on at school and after school.
Teach your teenager how to safely avoid violence.
Encourage independence while teaching safety. (AAP)
As teenagers are testing their new independent roles, it’s not an easy time for parents, but if teens don’t get love, security, and a feeling of safety from their family, they might look elsewhere, even toward friends who are a bad influence, such as gang members.
One of the best ways parents can help their teenagers stay safe is to teach them how to avoid violence.
Positive communication is very important.
Good communication involves talking and listening with your teenager.
Your goal is to have open, respectful, and honest conversations.
Teens need to feel loved and that their point of view is respected, even when you disagree. (AAP)
Respect your child’s thoughts and opinions without judging them. Support your child’s interests and strengths, but don’t force things.
(National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, NICHD)
Parents need to be careful about how they express approval or disapproval. Parents who are harsh in their disapproval may hurt their children’s self-esteem; parents who never express disapproval may raise children who can’t deal with any criticism.
Try to find a balance between expressions of approval and disapproval. Be consistent in your rewards and punishments. (NICHD)
References
American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP)
National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD)
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Sue Scheff: Preteens Get Alcohol from Home by Emily Halevy
“I woke up in the driver’s seat, blood all over me, glass everywhere. The doctors said my friend had 48 hours to live.”
– Nick, 19
Nick, who wishes to remain anonymous, started drinking when he was 12 years old.
“I loved it. I was off to the races then. It made me feel 10 feet tall and bulletproof,” says Nick, now 19.
Where did he get his first taste?
”I think it was off of some Jack Daniels I got out of my parents’ liquor cabinet,” says Nick.
In fact, according to a report published in the journal, Preventive Medicine, preteens are more likely to get alcohol from their own home or a friend’s home than any other place.
“I think parents are just oblivious to the fact that their kids are drinking,” says Ari Russell, substance abuse prevention director at Guide, Inc. (Gwinnett United in Drug Education in Georgia).
“They just think that they are too young to start thinking about alcohol. And so they are not checking their supplies, they are not seeing the whiskey going down in the bottle.
Is there a beer missing from the refrigerator?
Is there a wine cooler missing from the refrigerator? They are not even paying attention to it.”
Experts say the younger children start drinking, the more likely they are to suffer damage to their brain, heart and liver, and the less likely they are to ever put the bottle down.
“If they start drinking before age 15, the chances of them developing alcoholism are much greater because they are learning early on to use alcohol as a social crutch,” says Russell.
Nick’s last drink was more than a year ago, and it was the night he totaled his truck while drinking and driving.
“I woke up in the driver’s seat, blood all over me, glass everywhere. The doctors said my friend had 48 hours to live,” says Nick.
Nick’s mom says if she had to do it over again, she’d make sure the alcohol was out of his reach.
“It wasn’t that easily accessible; I would certainly make it totally inaccessible,” says Kathy, Nick’s mother.
Tips for Parents
Send your children a clear and consistent message that you do not want them to drink before the age of 21.
Do not make exceptions for special occasions like prom parties, spring break or graduation parties. Kids who are allowed to drink at home will believe “drinking is no big deal to my parents.” This will make them more likely to drink outside the home. (Dr. Michael Fishman, addiction specialist)
Lock up your alcohol. Two-thirds of teens admit they have stolen liquor from their parents without their parents’ knowledge. (Teenage Research Unlimited)
Inform your children about the risks of underage drinking. Research from the VA Medical Center in San Diego shows that the part of the brain responsible for memory and certain learning functions (the hippocampi) is affected by alcohol. Hippocampi in the brains of teenagers who drink were, on average, about 10 percent smaller than the hippocampi in the brains of non-drinking teens. If the hippocampi are damaged, it can affect a person’s memory and ability to learn certain functions. (American Medical Association)
Underage drinking is also associated with future alcohol dependence. Analyses of data from the National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions show that people who began drinking before age 15 are four times more likely to develop alcohol dependence during their lifetime than those who began drinking at age 21 or later.
References
The American Medical Association (AMA)
Teenage Research Unlimited
Dr. Michael Fishman, addiction specialist
– Nick, 19
Nick, who wishes to remain anonymous, started drinking when he was 12 years old.
“I loved it. I was off to the races then. It made me feel 10 feet tall and bulletproof,” says Nick, now 19.
Where did he get his first taste?
”I think it was off of some Jack Daniels I got out of my parents’ liquor cabinet,” says Nick.
In fact, according to a report published in the journal, Preventive Medicine, preteens are more likely to get alcohol from their own home or a friend’s home than any other place.
“I think parents are just oblivious to the fact that their kids are drinking,” says Ari Russell, substance abuse prevention director at Guide, Inc. (Gwinnett United in Drug Education in Georgia).
“They just think that they are too young to start thinking about alcohol. And so they are not checking their supplies, they are not seeing the whiskey going down in the bottle.
Is there a beer missing from the refrigerator?
Is there a wine cooler missing from the refrigerator? They are not even paying attention to it.”
Experts say the younger children start drinking, the more likely they are to suffer damage to their brain, heart and liver, and the less likely they are to ever put the bottle down.
“If they start drinking before age 15, the chances of them developing alcoholism are much greater because they are learning early on to use alcohol as a social crutch,” says Russell.
Nick’s last drink was more than a year ago, and it was the night he totaled his truck while drinking and driving.
“I woke up in the driver’s seat, blood all over me, glass everywhere. The doctors said my friend had 48 hours to live,” says Nick.
Nick’s mom says if she had to do it over again, she’d make sure the alcohol was out of his reach.
“It wasn’t that easily accessible; I would certainly make it totally inaccessible,” says Kathy, Nick’s mother.
Tips for Parents
Send your children a clear and consistent message that you do not want them to drink before the age of 21.
Do not make exceptions for special occasions like prom parties, spring break or graduation parties. Kids who are allowed to drink at home will believe “drinking is no big deal to my parents.” This will make them more likely to drink outside the home. (Dr. Michael Fishman, addiction specialist)
Lock up your alcohol. Two-thirds of teens admit they have stolen liquor from their parents without their parents’ knowledge. (Teenage Research Unlimited)
Inform your children about the risks of underage drinking. Research from the VA Medical Center in San Diego shows that the part of the brain responsible for memory and certain learning functions (the hippocampi) is affected by alcohol. Hippocampi in the brains of teenagers who drink were, on average, about 10 percent smaller than the hippocampi in the brains of non-drinking teens. If the hippocampi are damaged, it can affect a person’s memory and ability to learn certain functions. (American Medical Association)
Underage drinking is also associated with future alcohol dependence. Analyses of data from the National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions show that people who began drinking before age 15 are four times more likely to develop alcohol dependence during their lifetime than those who began drinking at age 21 or later.
References
The American Medical Association (AMA)
Teenage Research Unlimited
Dr. Michael Fishman, addiction specialist
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Sue Scheff - Connect with Kids on Bullying
Bullying Trauma Lasts for Years
Wednesday, September 12th, 2007
Robert Seith CWK Producer
“Now, I don’t want to be alarming to parents, but kids who have chronic and serious bullying from a young age on, they’re at risk for adult psychological difficulties and even suicide.”
– Sandra Graham, Ph.D., psychologist
The school years can be tough for victims of bullies, but new research reports that the psychological harm of bullying often continues for years or even decades.
Seventeen-year-old Bill says that for him, being bullied started in elementary school when he was a little overweight. He was bullied and called names.
“Faggot, gay, stupid, idiot, fat. That’s about it. Faggot and gay were the ones they really hit on the most,” says Bill.
The bullying continued until all Bill felt was the hurt.
“By my 8th grade year I had no self esteem and I really felt like I had nothing on the inside. I just felt like a walking shell, like there was nothing I could do, and I would always be upset,” says Bill.
It turns out that “always” may not be an exaggeration. According to a study reported in the Pediatrics Journal, the hurt continues long after the bullying ends.
The study reports that when bullied kids grow up, they’re more likely to suffer from serious anxiety disorders.
“Now, I don’t want to be alarming to parents, but kids who have chronic and serious bullying from a young age on, they’re at risk for adult psychological difficulties and even suicide,” says Sandra Graham, Ph.D., psychologist.
That’s why experts recommend a two-step process to help your child. First, do everything you can to stop the bullying or remove the child from that environment.
Second, get professional help for the child to improve his or her self-image and help understand the issues.
Graham says that kids need to know “you have an opportunity to redefine your identity, and not necessarily carry your victim reputation with you. We want kids to know and understand that this is not something that is going to be with you for the rest of your life,”.
Bill says he will do his best to put the bullying behind him, even though he says it robbed him of his childhood.
“I’m starting to grow up. I know I’m never going to get that back. I can try to do the best right now to live my life to the fullest,” says Bill.
Tips for Parents
Remember that being bullied is not your fault, and there’s nothing wrong with you.
No one deserves to be bullied! (Canadian Red Cross)
Bullying isn’t just physical violence -- threatening someone, laughing at them, taunting them, starting nasty rumors about them or not letting them hang out with you or your friends is all bullying. (Canadian Red Cross)
If you feel safe doing so, tell an adult you trust that you are being bullied. Keep telling until you get help. (Canadian Red Cross)
Don't give the bully a chance. As much as you can, avoid the bully. Stand tall and be brave. When you're scared of another person, you're probably not feeling your bravest. But sometimes just acting brave is enough to stop a bully. (Nemours Foundation)
Get a buddy (and be a buddy). Two is better than one if you're trying to avoid being bullied.
Make a plan to walk with a friend or two on the way to school or at recess or lunch, or wherever you think you might meet the bully. Offer to do the same if a friend is having bully trouble. (Nemours Foundation)
Parents, remember that you are a role model for your child. Your child is bonded with you. That is why he or she wants to be like you, at least when he or she is young.
Often, whatever you do, your child will do. Whatever you say or believe, your child will repeat. (United States Department of Health and Human Services)
Once the facts are on the table, a detailed plan must be drawn up regarding how you and the school together can put an end to the bullying. (AAP)
References
American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP)
Nemours Foundation
United States Department of Health and Human Services
Canadian Red Cross
Wednesday, September 12th, 2007
Robert Seith CWK Producer
“Now, I don’t want to be alarming to parents, but kids who have chronic and serious bullying from a young age on, they’re at risk for adult psychological difficulties and even suicide.”
– Sandra Graham, Ph.D., psychologist
The school years can be tough for victims of bullies, but new research reports that the psychological harm of bullying often continues for years or even decades.
Seventeen-year-old Bill says that for him, being bullied started in elementary school when he was a little overweight. He was bullied and called names.
“Faggot, gay, stupid, idiot, fat. That’s about it. Faggot and gay were the ones they really hit on the most,” says Bill.
The bullying continued until all Bill felt was the hurt.
“By my 8th grade year I had no self esteem and I really felt like I had nothing on the inside. I just felt like a walking shell, like there was nothing I could do, and I would always be upset,” says Bill.
It turns out that “always” may not be an exaggeration. According to a study reported in the Pediatrics Journal, the hurt continues long after the bullying ends.
The study reports that when bullied kids grow up, they’re more likely to suffer from serious anxiety disorders.
“Now, I don’t want to be alarming to parents, but kids who have chronic and serious bullying from a young age on, they’re at risk for adult psychological difficulties and even suicide,” says Sandra Graham, Ph.D., psychologist.
That’s why experts recommend a two-step process to help your child. First, do everything you can to stop the bullying or remove the child from that environment.
Second, get professional help for the child to improve his or her self-image and help understand the issues.
Graham says that kids need to know “you have an opportunity to redefine your identity, and not necessarily carry your victim reputation with you. We want kids to know and understand that this is not something that is going to be with you for the rest of your life,”.
Bill says he will do his best to put the bullying behind him, even though he says it robbed him of his childhood.
“I’m starting to grow up. I know I’m never going to get that back. I can try to do the best right now to live my life to the fullest,” says Bill.
Tips for Parents
Remember that being bullied is not your fault, and there’s nothing wrong with you.
No one deserves to be bullied! (Canadian Red Cross)
Bullying isn’t just physical violence -- threatening someone, laughing at them, taunting them, starting nasty rumors about them or not letting them hang out with you or your friends is all bullying. (Canadian Red Cross)
If you feel safe doing so, tell an adult you trust that you are being bullied. Keep telling until you get help. (Canadian Red Cross)
Don't give the bully a chance. As much as you can, avoid the bully. Stand tall and be brave. When you're scared of another person, you're probably not feeling your bravest. But sometimes just acting brave is enough to stop a bully. (Nemours Foundation)
Get a buddy (and be a buddy). Two is better than one if you're trying to avoid being bullied.
Make a plan to walk with a friend or two on the way to school or at recess or lunch, or wherever you think you might meet the bully. Offer to do the same if a friend is having bully trouble. (Nemours Foundation)
Parents, remember that you are a role model for your child. Your child is bonded with you. That is why he or she wants to be like you, at least when he or she is young.
Often, whatever you do, your child will do. Whatever you say or believe, your child will repeat. (United States Department of Health and Human Services)
Once the facts are on the table, a detailed plan must be drawn up regarding how you and the school together can put an end to the bullying. (AAP)
References
American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP)
Nemours Foundation
United States Department of Health and Human Services
Canadian Red Cross
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Sue Scheff - Locks of Love
Take a moment to review this amazing organization that helps children suffering with illnesses that causes hair loss. I was introduced to this organization by my good friend who lost her 8 year old daughter to Leukemia.
Locks of Love Mission Statement:
Our mission is to return a sense of self, confidence and normalcy to children suffering from hair loss by utilizing donated ponytails to provide the highest quality hair prosthetics to financially disadvantaged children. The children receive hair prostheses free of charge or on a sliding scale, based on financial need.
Locks of Love Mission Statement:
Our mission is to return a sense of self, confidence and normalcy to children suffering from hair loss by utilizing donated ponytails to provide the highest quality hair prosthetics to financially disadvantaged children. The children receive hair prostheses free of charge or on a sliding scale, based on financial need.
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