Boys Don't Graduate by Connect with Kids

“I just think it’s much more doable than we say it is, if we would just put aside some of the excuses and engage these young men. They’re waiting for us.”

– Dr. Michael Glascoe, superintendent

Where have all the boys gone? You may be able to find them in the gym, at a job or hanging out, but there’s one important place where boys are under-represented, and the problem seems to be getting worse.

These days, at high school graduation ceremonies, there are a lot more girls than boys.

“Yeah, a lot of my friends dropped out of high school, and they were all males,” says John Lutz, student

In fact, according to a new study published in Education Week, every year, 10 percent more girls graduate from high school than boys.

“I think that there is tendency to focus on boys as problems at this point, rather than recognizing that boys have problems,” says Joanne Max, Ph.D., psychologist.

Experts say the problems start in grade school, where there is often an emphasis on sports instead of reading, for example.

“I think that with boys there is some idea that it’s not masculine or macho to read,” says Rob Jenkins, English professor.

There is also a shortage of male teachers as role models.

“I think boys need role models, so if you’re a boy and you don’t have a dad in your home and then you have one male teacher and it’s your athletic coach, then I don’t think you have a message that education is very important,” says Carol Carter, author and child advocate.

In addition, classrooms often have too little activity and too much passive listening, which is not conducive to boys.

“Just a teacher up there giving a lecture to 32 students who couldn’t care less,” says Kevin, 15.

Experts say parents can fight back in many ways. Read to your sons early and often; show by your actions that you value their education. Ask them about their schoolwork, offer help, drop by their classroom and, finally, appeal to their competitive spirit: challenge them to do better and help them understand that their future depends on it.

“I just think it’s much more doable than we say it is, if we would just put aside some of the excuses and engage these young men. They’re waiting for us,” says Dr. Michael Glascoe, superintendent.

Tips for Parents

Learning how to focus and get something done is about more than getting good grades — it's the foundation for success in life. Mastering the skills of getting organized, staying focused and seeing work through to the end will help in just about everything you do. (Nemours Foundation)

The work in high school builds off of what you learned in middle school, giving you a more advanced knowledge of many academic subjects. (Nemours Foundation)

If you ever find your work too overwhelming, teachers and tutors are available for extra help. While you have more independence as a high school student than you might have in middle school, there are still many resources to fall back on if you feel that the work is too much. (Nemours Foundation)

Be patient and keep trying. Once you've adjusted to your new independence you may find you can go farther than you ever imagined. (Nemours Foundation)

In summary, here's a quick checklist of things that can help you focus: (Nemours Foundation)

DO know your deadlines.
DO make a calendar of stages and final due dates.
DO include social events on this calendar for time management.
DO understand the assignment and expectations.
DO give yourself a quiet place to study with all the materials you need.
DO give yourself brief breaks.

DON'T put work off until the last minute; you'll be too frantic to focus.
DON'T do your homework late at night or in bed.
DON'T let yourself be bored; find the aspect of the project or paper that interests you -- if you're dying of boredom, something's not right.

References

Nemours Foundation

Seasonal Affective Disorder by Connect with Kids

“I definitely tend to isolate myself in my bedroom more. I’m always wanting to sleep and don’t want to be bothered.”

– Chauntae, 16

With winter’s grey skies, shorter days and often freezing temperatures, many kids are stuck indoors during the season. How does that affect their mood? Does your child seem depressed during these cold days? If so, it could be a treatable disorder.

Chauntae and Jasmine, both typical teenage girls, say their mood changes in the winter.

“You know, just not in the mood to be talking to anybody. And people kind of tell me I get a little bit mood- swingy at times, or I just might get mad about something really small,” says Jasmine, 16.

“I definitely tend to isolate myself in my bedroom more. I’m always wanting to sleep and don’t want to be bothered,” says Chauntae, 16.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, 10 to 20 percent of people have some form of Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD.

“It can just appear out of the blue. It really is a matter of what’s going on in the brain with some of the neuro-chemicals,” says Dr. Patrice Harris, M.D., psychiatrist.

Symptoms of SAD include fatigue, weight gain and overall lack of interest in normal activities. Experts suspect the problem is a lack of sunlight. Treatments can include doctor-supervised light therapy with a device similar to a tanning bed or a high-powered desk lamp, antidepressants, and/or a regimen of outdoor physical activity.

“Actually, there’s some early research that shows that talk therapy does affect the chemicals in the brain,” says Harris.

Harris adds that, as with all types of depression, parents should take it seriously.

“If a teen says … ‘I don’t know what is going on… I’m just feeling bad and I don’t want to do anything and I don’t have any energy, don’t have any motivation,’ that’s when parents should say, ‘Well, why don’t we go talk to someone about this who maybe knows a little bit more than we do,’” says Harris.

Experts say with rising occurrences of depression and suicide rates among teens, parents should be aware that any form of depression in their child is serious and may require treatment.

Tips for Parents

Someone with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) will exhibit several particular changes from the way he or she normally feels and acts. These changes will occur in a predictable seasonal pattern. The symptoms of SAD are similar to the symptoms of depression, and a person with SAD may notice several or all of these symptoms: changes in mood, lack of enjoyment of normal activities, low energy, changes in sleep patterns, changes in eating habits, difficulty concentrating, and/or less time socializing. (Nemours Foundation)

If your mood, energy level and/or motivation decline around November but bounce back to normal in April, you may have SAD. (National Institutes of Health, NIH)

SAD is thought to be related to “a chemical imbalance in the brain brought about by lack of sunlight due to winter's shorter days and typically overcast skies," says Dr. Angelos Halaris, chief of the Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences Department at Loyola University Health System.

SAD, which is characterized by depression, exhaustion and lack of interest in people and regular activities, can interfere with a person's outlook on life and ability to function properly. (Dr. Halaris)

Because the symptoms of SAD are triggered by lack of exposure to light, and they tend to go away on their own when available light increases, treatment for SAD often involves increased exposure to light during winter months. (Nemours Foundation)

If at all possible, get outside during the winter, even if it is overcast. Expose your eyes to natural light for one hour each day. At home, open the drapes and blinds to let in natural light (Dr. Halaris)

References

National Institutes of Health (NIH)
Dr. Angelos Halaris, chief of the Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences Department at Loyola University Health System
Nemours Foundation

Sue Scheff and Parent's Universal Resource Experts: Teenage Public Displays of Affection by Connect with Kids

“It’s your job to walk into that building and be focused on learning, not focused on your boyfriend. Once school is out, get your homework done and then you can focus on the boyfriend.”

– Paula Bryman, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker

An Illinois 8th-grader is making national news because she received detention after hugging one of her friends in a school hallway. She says it was just an innocent hug goodbye; the school says it was inappropriate physical contact. Are schools protecting our kids or overreacting?

In school hallways, cafeterias and parking lots, students are hugging, kissing and more. Students say they often see public displays of affection.

“I think it’s kind of weird in the middle of the hall. Like get a room, you know?” says Meredith, 15.

However, many students have no problem with it.

“Hugging in between classes, it’s not really a big deal,” says Carla, 16.

“It’s not doing anyone any harm really, I don’t think,” says Jesse, 16.

The problem is, not everyone agrees on what’s harmless and what isn’t.

“You have somebody holding hands and touching inappropriate body parts as they’re walking down the hall. Is that going to offend somebody else? Is that going to make them late for class? Is that going to make them focused on their boyfriend and not their academics?” says Paula Bryman, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker.

To avoid controversy, most schools enforce the rule of no public displays of affection -- period. An innocent kiss with your boyfriend is unacceptable, as Polly found out.

“I’ve gotten in trouble before when teachers told me to cut it out in the hallway or something like that,” says Polly, 17.

Teenagers are exposed to more sexual content than ever in the media, and many don’t agree with the school rules against public displays of affection.

“That’s really none of their business,” says Polly.

“If I got suspended for hugging my girlfriend, that would be ridiculous,” says Andrew, 15.

“Is it silly? Maybe. But you know what? When I go to work I have to follow rules, and I don’t like all my rules. This is sort of part of growing up,” says Bryman.

Bryman adds that parents should help their children understand.

“It’s your job to walk into that building and be focused on learning, not focused on your boyfriend. Once school is out, get your homework done and then you can focus on the boyfriend,” says Bryman.

Tips for Parents

While it is important to talk with children about sex and sexuality, parents are often unsure of how to begin such open communication. Connect with Kids offers DVDs to help start the conversation in a non-threatening manner.

Children Now and the Kaiser Family Foundation offer these tips for having a positive conversation with your child about sexual relationships and where, how and why to draw limits:
Explore your own attitudes – Studies show that children who feel they can talk with their parents about sex are less likely to engage in high-risk behavior as teens than children who do not feel they can talk with their parents about the subject.

Explore your own feelings about sex.

If you are uncomfortable with the subject, watch DVDs, read books and/or discuss your feelings with a trusted friend, relative, physician or clergy member.

The more you examine the subject, the more confident you’ll feel discussing it.
Start early – Teaching your child about sex demands a gentle, continuous flow of information that should begin as early as possible.

As your child grows, you can continue his or her education by gradually adding more information until he or she understands the subject well.

Take the initiative – If your child hasn’t started asking questions about sex, look for a good opportunity to bring up subject.

Talk about more than the “birds and the bees” – While children need to know the biological facts about sex, they also need to understand that sexual relationships involve caring, concern and responsibility.

By discussing the emotional aspect of a sexual relationship with your child, he or she will be better informed to make decisions later on and to resist peer pressure.
Give accurate, age-appropriate information – Talk about sex in a way that fits the age and stage of your child.

Communicate your values – It’s your responsibility to let your child know your values about sex. Although he or she may not adopt these values as he or she matures, at least your child will be aware of them as he or she struggles to figure out how he or she feels and wants to behave.
Relax – Don’t worry about knowing all of the answers to your child’s questions.

What you know is a lot less important than how you respond.

Convey the message that no subject, including sex, is forbidden in your home.

Teens who have high self-esteem and self-respect make more responsible health choices. As a parent, you can help your teen develop self-respect in the following ways:

(American Medical Association, AMA)

Allow your teen to voice opinions.
Allow your teen to be involved in family decisions.
Listen to your teen’s opinions and feelings.
Help your teen set realistic goals.
Show faith in your teen’s ability to reach those goals.
Give unconditional love.

Whether your child is thinking about having sex or engaging in other risky behaviors, you can take steps to help him or her make an informed decision. By following these tips from the AMA, your child will realize that you want to help:

Allow your teen to describe the problem or situation – Ask how he or she feels about the problem.

Ask questions that avoid “yes” or “no” responses. These usually begin with “how,” “why” or “what.” Really listen to what your teen is saying, instead of thinking about your response. Try to put yourself in your teen’s shoes to understand his or her thoughts.

Talk with your teen about choices – Teens sometimes believe they don’t have choices. Help your teen to see alternatives.

Help your teen to identify and compare the possible consequences of all of the choices – Ask your teen to consider how the results of the decision will affect his or her goals. Explain (without lecturing) the consequences of different choices.

References

American Medical Association
American Sociological Association
Children Now

Sue Scheff: Fashion Bullying by Connect with Kids

“Do you want your child going through school being picked on? I mean, kids get picked on for a number of things, millions of other things, and you want to add on?”

– Marisel Rodriguez, mother

There are lots of ways that kids judge other kids: Are they nice? Are they cute? Are they fun to be with? But there is another way that kids judge others that has nothing to do with who they are, but what they wear. And if this leads to a fashion battle between parent and child, some experts say it’s a battle parents need to lose.

How important is fashion to a teenager?

"I think that people choose their friends, or choose to talk to people at first, by what they wear and what they look like, so I guess it's pretty important," says Annie, 15.

“We all do it subconsciously. We decide who we want to know better by what they’re wearing,” says Kristen, 15.

It may seem superficial, but in a University of Nebraska study of middle school students, more than one-third of the students surveyed said they’ve been bullied for wearing the “wrong” clothes.

"If a person went to school wearing tight skin pants -- a boy for instance -- he'll be made fun of or he'll be talked about, and it will lead to a fight or something,” says Thomas, 15.

Thomas’ mom, Marisel Rodriguez, may not like the style of clothes her son wears, but she doesn’t stop him.

"His whole body fits in these pants," she says, holding up Thomas’ jeans.

"Sometimes I don't think she understands,” says Thomas.

In fact, she does. Rodriguez knows that if she chooses her son’s clothes, she won’t have to live with the consequences at school, Thomas will.

"Do you want your child going through school being picked on? I mean, kids get picked on for a number of things, millions of other things, and you want to add on?" says Rodriguez.

Experts say, within reason and within a budget, parents should let their kids decide what to wear because it’s one way parents can help their children fit in at school.

"Sometimes I'll say things like, ‘if your child broke his leg, would you not give him crutches?’ It's like you need to give a child as many advantages as you can," says Nancy McGarrah, psychologist.

Tips for Parents

Experts say it is extremely important to open the lines of communication with your kids.

Consider the following tips: (Kaiser Family Foundation)

Start early

Initiate conversations

Create an open environment

Communicate your values

Listen to your child

Try to be honest

Be patient

Share your experiences

Also, watch for behavioral changes. Children who are suffering from teasing and bullying may try to hide the hurt. They may become withdrawn from family and friends, lose interest in hobbies or turn to destructive habits such as alcohol, drugs or acts of violence. (Kaiser Family Foundation)

Ask your children whether they have witnessed bullying at school, and what they’ve done if they have seen it. Explain that while it may take courage to report it or tell the bully to stop, it’s the right thing to do. (Bill Modzeleski, U.S. Department of Education)

The bystanders to bullying are the biggest piece. If they set the climate and say, “We’re not going to tolerate this,” they can create a positive change. (Mary Ann Byrne, counselor, Stafford Co., Virginia)

References

Kaiser Family Foundation
U.S. Department of Education
Stop Bullying Now (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)

Sue Scheff: Binge Eating by Connect with Kids

“Sandwiches, cookies, candy bars -- I have no idea how many candy bars. Just everything I could get my hands on, and I’d just continuously eat until I went to bed.”
– Matt Wymer, 18

Anorexia and bulimia are the names that come to mind when we think of eating disorders. But there is another eating disorder more common than anorexia and bulimia combined, and some experts say it’s becoming a major health problem in America.

“As soon as I came home I’d throw down my backpack and just automatically start going through the refrigerator and cabinets and start eating. Sandwiches, cookies, candy bars -- I have no idea how many candy bars. Just everything I could get my hands on, and I’d just continuously eat until I went to bed,” says Matt Wymer, 18.

Matt was a binge eater. According to a new study from Harvard Medical School, 3.5 percent of women and 2 percent of men suffer from this eating disorder.

While these are small percentages, they translate into millions of people. Experts say that binging is a condition that often starts in childhood.

“You know we start at a very young age… you fall and scrape your knee [and someone says], ‘Oh, here, we’ll go get some ice cream, that’ll make it feel better.’ Or you go to the doctor, you get a lollypop; something bad happens, ‘Oh, here’s something that’s comforting,’” says Marilyn Tanner, R.D., pediatric dietician.

Matt looked for comfort because he was constantly teased about his weight.

“There’d be days when I’d come and pick him up from school and he’d get in the car and he’d start crying before I asked him anything,” says Cathy Wymer, Matt’s mother.

“I probably gave him whatever he wanted to try to make him happy, but it was the wrong way of doing it,” says Vernon Wymer, Matt’s father.

“I just felt better after I ate a lot,” says Matt.

Experts say the first line of treatment for binge eaters is to help them find other ways, besides food, to feel better.

“There are about five basic ways … that it just kind of boils down to. You write, you talk, you cry, you exercise, you laugh. Laughing also reduces the stress that lots of times people are feeling,” says Genie Burnett, Psy.D., clinical psychologist.

With the help of his doctor, Matt started a diet and a daily workout. He’s lost more than 150 pounds, he’s healthier and he says he’s more confident.

“I guess you’d say I’m happier than I used to be,” says Matt.

Tips for Parents

Most people don’t even recognize they are engaging in emotional eating until they’ve gained a lot of weight. Parents should learn to recognize the warning signs – being overweight, having a history of weight fluctuations, eating alone, hoarding food, eating rapidly, eating until uncomfortably full, and having feelings of guilt or depression after eating. (The American Dietetic Association)

Experts say encouraging kids to express their feelings can lower a child’s need to binge. Have younger kids draw pictures of how they are feeling. Afterward, discuss the drawings. (The American Dietetic Association)

When older children feel the need to binge, distractions may help. Find other things to do such as walking, riding a bike or playing with the dog. (The American Dietetic Association)

Keep the kitchen stocked with plenty of fruits and vegetables. If children feel like binging, encourage them to have a small, healthy snack instead. (The American Dietetic Association)

References

The American Dietetic Association

Parent's Universal Resource Experts: Cyberbullying and Suicide by Connect with Kids

“Days after Ryan’s death, I got the courage to go back into his room and for whatever reason, I thought his computer might unravel some of the mystery. So I sat down at his computer...”

– John Halligan, Ryan’s father

Today, several states are considering legislation that would make cyberbullying a crime. This is in response to the suicide of 13-year-old Megan Meier, who hung herself in October 2006 after she was hoaxed, harassed and humiliated online. The bully in Megan’s case turned out to be a 47-year-old woman -- a neighbor who won’t be prosecuted criminally because there’s no law that she violated. Megan’s parents want to change that.

The Halligans, whose son Ryan also committed suicide after being bullied online, understand this issue all too well.

It was 6:30 a.m. … morning routine at the Halligans. Ryan’s older sister opened the bathroom door.

“I felt like I couldn’t get any words out. All I could say was, ‘Ryan, dead. Ryan, dead. Bathroom.’ I couldn’t put a sentence together,” says Ryan’s sister, Megan Halligan, 18.

Ryan didn’t leave a note, but his dad found some clues.

“Days after Ryan’s death, I got the courage to go back into his room and for whatever reason, I thought his computer might unravel some of the mystery. So I sat down at his computer,” says John Halligan, Ryan’s father.

Halligan found hundreds of saved instant message (IM) conversations. John reads one that was written two weeks before Ryan died:

“It started off with the other boy starting the conversation, saying, ‘is this the last time I’m going to hear you complain?’ And, ‘you’re finally going to kill yourself?’ was the question. And my son said, ‘Yep.’ And the other boy replied, ‘Phew, it’s about F-‘n time.’ And my son replied back, ‘You’ll hear about it in the papers tomorrow.’”

Recent surveys show that 42 percent of kids have been bullied online. One in four has been bullied more than once, and 58 percent of those bullied never said a word to their parents. That’s why, experts say, parents should keep computers out in the open where they can read what’s on the screen. Parents also should talk with their children about cyberbullying, set up clear rules for communicating online, and learn who they are IMing and chatting with.

Even with precautions like these, cyberbullying can find its way into your child’s life. The Bryants, whose daughter, Erica, was also bullied online, learned that just because your kids are home doesn’t mean they’re safe.

“It was in my own home, but even in my own home, I wasn’t safe,” says Erica Bryant, now 18.

“I hated instant messaging. I hated the power it had to get in our house and hurt her,” says Linda Perloff, Erica’s mother.

“I’d also like to warn parents that you need to dig a little deeper in your child’s life, especially if they’re withdrawing from you. Take the time to snoop, if you will, into your child’s life,” says Kelly Halligan, Ryan’s mother.

Tips for Parents

Depression associated with Internet addiction comes not from the technology itself, but from the loss of other connections in a person’s life. Parents should be concerned if kids are not spending time with friends. (Eddie Reece, M.S., L.P.C., psychotherapist)

Instead of forcing kids to get off the computer, try engaging them in conversation. Start by showing interest in what your child is doing online. Curiosity is an excellent healing approach. Once you have the child talking, you can suggest more fulfilling activities. (Eddie Reece, M.S., L.P.C., psychotherapist)

Although the Internet can be a dangerous place, parents should not become overly fearful and ban kids from using the computer. Realize your child’s future success depends on being savvy with technology. (Kathleen Fitzgerald, director, CyberCamps)

Parents need to become involved in their children’s Internet use. Go online with your child. Teach them to make smart decisions online. (Kathleen Fitzgerald, Director, CyberCamps)
Chat rooms are among the most dangerous places on the web. (James Murray, Police Chief, Peachtree City, GA)

References

American Psychological Association
Eddie Reece, M.S., L.P.C., psychotherapist
Kathleen Fitzgerald, Director, CyberCamps
James Murray, Police Chief, Peachtree City, GA

Sue Scheff: Kids In Groups Take Greater Risks by Connect with Kids

“They do have the cognitive functions that allow them to control their emotions and organize. They’re just not as good at it, during the adolescent years, as they will be during adulthood.”

– Elizabeth Sowell, Ph.D., neuroscientist, UCLA Department of Neurology

With advanced brain-imaging technology, researchers have been learning more about how the human brain develops. One mystery experts have explored is why teenagers act the way they do: rebellious, impulsive and too willing to take risks. Now we may have an answer: one part of the adolescent brain is growing too fast, while another is growing too slowly.

Teenagers experiment with drugs. Drive too fast. Get angry and don’t know why.

“Pretty much the rebellion stage started kicking in right about age 12,” recalls Kim, currently 15.

What happens at age 12? According to new research from Temple University, teenagers feel emotions intensely, and care about how other kids feel about them. All that emotion resides in a part of the brain that grows quickly during adolescence. Meanwhile, the rational, careful, thoughtful part of the brain develops more slowly. That imbalance can cause kids to take risks.

“The parts of the brain that continue to develop during adolescence are the parts of the brain that we might expect when we think about typical, negative adolescent behaviors,” says Elizabeth Sowell, Ph.D., neuroscientist, UCLA Dept. of Neurology.

In fact, the study found that when kids were surrounded by other kids while participating in a simulated driving game, they were twice as likely to take risks.

“We know that adolescents are bigger risk takers, we don’t need the brain to tell us that. We know that they get in more car accidents than adults do,” says Sowell.

Experts say the good news is that while it may not be easy to teach teens to avoid risks, it’s not impossible, either.

“They do have the cognitive functions that allow them to control their emotions and organize. They’re just not as good at it, during the adolescent years, as they will be during adulthood,” says Sowell.

Experts say it helps to teach kids to ask themselves a question: ‘if you do this, what are the possible consequences?’ And don’t answer for them.

“Also, it’s much more rewarding for them if they come to the conclusion. Because it’s really coming from their heart and they know that whatever happens, they did the right thing for themselves,” says Diana, 15.

Tips for Parents

Sometimes, stresses in your life can actually come from your friends or peers. They may pressure you into doing something you're uncomfortable with, such as cheating, shoplifting, doing drugs or drinking, taking dangerous risks when driving a car, or having sex before you feel ready. (Nemours Foundation)

Listen to your gut. If you feel uncomfortable, even if your friends seem to be okay with what's going on, it means that something about the situation is wrong for you. This kind of decision-making is part of becoming self-reliant and learning more about who you are. (Nemours Foundation)

Plan for possible pressure situations. If you'd like to go to a party but you believe you may be offered alcohol or drugs there, think ahead about how you'll handle this challenge. Decide ahead of time — and even rehearse — what you'll say and do. Learn a few tricks. If you're holding a bottle of water or a can of soda, for instance, you're less likely to be offered a drink you don't want. (Nemours Foundation)

Arrange a "bail-out" code phrase you can use with your parents without losing face with your friends. For instance, you might call home from a party where you're feeling pressure to drink alcohol and say, "Can you come drive me home? I have a terrible earache." (Nemours Foundation)

Learn to feel comfortable saying "no." With good friends you should never have to offer an explanation or apology. But if you feel you need an excuse for, say, turning down a drink or smoke, think up a few lines you can use casually. (Nemours Foundation)

Hang with people who feel the same way you do. Choose friends who will speak up with you when you're in need of moral support, and be quick to speak up for a friend in the same way. If you're hearing that little voice telling you a situation's not right, chances are others hear it, too. Just having one other person stand with you against peer pressure makes it much easier for both people to resist. (Nemours Foundation)

References

Nemours Foundation
UCLA Department of Neurology

Drinking and Driving by Connect with Kids

“You can get away with it a thousand times, but it only takes one time to be dead or to have killed one of your peers driving with you.”

– Steven, 17

Despite the billions of dollars spent over the last several years to warn young people about the dangers of drinking and driving, the news from the National Institutes of Health isn’t all that good.

“It just happened so often that people would do that -- just get in a car and drink and drive; just start driving around because they were bored or whatever, and that would happen at almost every party. It was just one of those things,” says Wes, 17.

It is just one of those things that kills 17 thousand people each year and injures a quarter of a million others. The latest numbers from the National Institutes of Health show that, in a two-week period, a third of high school seniors say they’ve been drunk behind the wheel or have been riding with a drunk driver.

“You can get away with it a thousand times, but it only takes one time to be dead or to have killed one of your peers driving with you,” says Steven, 17.

That “one time” happened to Wes and his friends.

“Right before we wrecked I remember everybody laughing and having a good time. That’s the last thing I remember, everybody was laughing,” says Wes.

Then he discovered that two of his friends had died in the crash. Experts say most teens know the danger of drinking and driving but too often they ignore it, especially after they’ve been drinking.

“There is a tremendous body of research that shows people who are drunk tend to be more aggressive and more impulsive, less capable in making rational decisions,” says Robert Margolis, clinical psychologist.

His advice to parents: be tough; don’t just say no drinking and driving, but no to drinking at all.

“I know that if you fight this battle you’re going to be unpopular, but isn’t that part of being a parent? Aren’t there certain things worth fighting? Aren’t there certain lines worth drawing, where you say, ‘Okay, I’m not going to worry so much about how long his hair is. I may not worry about the CDs that he listens to. But when it comes to drinking, then I’m going to fight that battle,” says Margolis.

“I just felt so stupid forever. I should have just said something when we were getting in the car because they would have listened. If I would have said, ‘This is a bad idea’ I don’t think anybody would have gone,” says Wes.

Tips for Parents

Motor vehicle crashes are the number one killer of youth ages 15 to 20. (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administrations, SAMHSA)

Tell your child or any young person you care about that you do not want him getting into a car with someone who has had even one drink or who has been using illegal drugs. (SAMHSA)

Tell your child that you want her to call you if she can't get a safe ride home from a party or other event. Emphasize that you want her to call even if she herself has been drinking or using drugs (reassure her that, while you do not support this behavior, her safety is your first concern). (SAMHSA)

If you host parties for young people, do not allow them to drink alcohol or use drugs. Do not serve alcohol, even to college students. Check on your guests regularly to make sure that no one is sneaking alcohol or other illegal substances into your home. The legal consequences of allowing underage drinking and drug use n your home can be severe, especially if a minor is injured or killed during the party or after leaving your house. (SAMHSA)

Begin a coalition to address underage drinking and impaired driving in your community. Write to your local paper and legislators to gain support. (SAMHSA)

Be a good role model. If you have been drinking, don't drive. We all know that young people learn by example -- don't send mixed messages. (SAMHSA)

References

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administrations (SAMHSA)

Parent's Universal Resource Experts: Alcohol and Rape by Connect with Kids

“If we drink too much then we don’t pay attention to as many things in our environment.”

– Corinne McNamara, rape crisis specialist

GHB, “roofies,” Ketamine – all are known as “date rape” drugs. But experts say there is another drug that is easier to get, less expensive, and accounts for more than 65 percent of all date rapes.

Drinking may be a part of Erin’s college experience, but she says she knows her limits.

“I know that when I go out to party my goal is not to go out and get drunk, it’s just to have a good time,” says Erin, 18.

Still, her mom is afraid.

“What I worry is, she’s lost control and she’s at the mercy of whoever she happens to be with,” says Terry Dillard, Erin’s mother.

Alcohol is the real date rape drug. According to a study from the University of Ulster in Ireland, alcohol is involved in more than 65 percent of date rapes. Many experts say the problem is the same in the United States.

“If we drink too much then we don’t pay attention to as many things in our environment,” says Corinne McNamara, rape crisis specialist.

McNamara says that parents should teach their daughters that drinking could compromise their safety.

“Although it’s not your fault if something bad happens to you -- for example, if you are raped it’s not your fault – [but] these are some of the things you can do to avoid dangerous situations,” says McNamara.

First, she says, don’t drink underage. It’s dangerous and against the law. Second, if you do drink, bring along a friend who won’t leave your side.

“I think that’s a great idea to have a friend with you on the side who’s sort of like ‘you need to stop now’ or ‘we need to go back to the dorm now,’” says Erin.

Experts add that kids also need to pay attention to their intuition.

“Listen to that voice in the back of your mind that says ‘this is an awkward situation, I need to leave now’,” says Corinne.

Erin knows the risk of sexual assault is real, but she says she won’t be paralyzed by fear.

“I want to be careful with what I do, but I don’t want to go out there and just stay away from everything, keep myself locked up in my room, not be a part of things because I’m scared something bad might happen to me,” says Erin.

Tips for Parents

Make sure your children know the basic facts about drinking:

it slows reflexes, distorts vision, reduces coordination, can cause memory lapses and even blackouts; it can lead to poor judgment and lowered inhibitions – which can lead to risky behaviors like driving while drunk and unprotected sex; that drinking large quantities of alcohol at one time or very rapidly can cause potentially fatal alcohol poisoning; and that it’s illegal to possess or obtain alcohol under the age of 21.

(U.S. Department of Health and Human Services – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration)

Avoid secluded places (this may even mean your room or your partner's room) until you trust your partner. (Nemours Foundation)

Don't spend time alone with someone who makes you feel uneasy or uncomfortable. This means following your instincts and removing yourself from situations that you don't feel good about. (Nemours Foundation)

Stay sober and aware. If you're with someone you don't know very well, be aware of what's going on around you and try to stay in control. Also, if you are a male, be aware of your date's ability to consent to sexual activity; you may become guilty of committing rape if the other person is not in a condition to respond or react. (Nemours Foundation)

If you're injured, go straight to the emergency room -- most medical centers and hospital emergency departments have doctors and counselors who have been trained to take care of someone who has been raped. (Nemours Foundation)

References
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Human Services Administration (SAMHSA)
Nemours Foundation