“Many parents find it valuable to still say to their kid, ‘Look, I don’t want you to have sex until you’re married, but I feel that you need to understand about contraception because so many kids do have sex.’”
– Dr. Mark Schuster, M.D., Ph.D., pediatrician
Each year, thousands of young people make a pledge of abstinence, vowing not to have sex until they get married. But over time, how does the behavior of the kids who pledge abstinence compare to those who don’t?
“That I will, with the grace of God, live a chaste life,” says Rebecca, reading her pledge.
Rebecca’s pledge is a promise she made to herself not to have sex before she is married.
“I was not comfortable with the person I was becoming, so that’s when I decided that I wanted to make a vow of chastity,” says Rebecca, 18.
She’s kept that vow for two years, but according to a study by Columbia University, 88 percent of pledgers break their vow and have sex before marriage. This issue is controversial, and some experts say the problem is that many kids take the pledge because their parents want them to, not because they want to.
“If they do it for Mom and Dad, [then] Mom and Dad took the pledge,” says Molly Kelly, teen chastity advocate.
The Columbia University study included 12,000 teens and found that the kids who pledge abstinence have the same rate of STDs as those who don’t.
“If we just tell our kids to not have sex, and we don’t tell them anything else, [then] when they do have sex, they’re not prepared for the consequences,” says Dr. Mark Schuster, M.D., Ph.D., pediatrician.
He says that even with a vow of abstinence, kids still need to be knowledgeable.
“Many parents find it valuable to still say to their kid, ‘Look, I don’t want you to have sex until you’re married, but I feel that you need to understand about contraception because so many kids do have sex,’” says Schuster.
Rebecca says a serious test of her pledge will happen when she gets to college.
“And that’s going to be when I prove to myself that this promise I made is really real,” says Schuster.
Tips for Parents
Parents sometimes find it difficult to have discussions about sex or sexuality with their teenagers. However, the importance of having these discussions with children has been well documented.
The following suggestions for ideas and topics of discussion about sex and sexuality are excerpted from information available from the National Campaign To Prevent Teen Pregnancy:
Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes. Communicating with your children about sex, love and relationships is often more successful when you are certain in your own mind about these issues.
Talk with your children early and often about sex, and be specific. Kids have lots of questions about sex, and they often say that the source they'd most like to go to for an answer is their parents. Start the conversation, and make sure that it is honest, open and respectful. If you can't think of how to start the discussion, consider using situations shown on television or in movies as conversation starters. Connect with Kids DVDs are designed to help you with these conversations, using real kids and stories and a family discussion guide. Try http://www.connectwithkids.com/products/firstcomeslove.shtml
or http://www.connectwithkids.com/products/sex_silent_parent.shtml.
Tell children candidly and confidently what you think and why you take these positions; if you're not sure about some issues, tell them that, too. Be sure to have a two-way conversation, not a one-way lecture. Ask them what they think and what they know so you can correct misconceptions. Ask what, if anything, worries them.
Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents. Establish rules, curfews and standards of expected behavior, preferably through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication.
Know your children's friends and their families. Friends have a strong influence on each other, so help your children and teenagers become friends with kids whose families share your values.
Discourage early, frequent and steady dating. Group activities among young people are fine and often fun, but experts discourage steady, one-on-one dating before age 16.
Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a boy significantly older than she is. And don't allow your son to develop an intense relationship with a girl much younger than he is. Try setting a limit of no more than a two- (or at most three-) year age difference.
Help your teenagers to have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood. The chances that your children will delay sex, pregnancy and parenthood are significantly increased if their futures appear bright.
Let your kids know that you value education highly. Encourage your children to take school seriously and set high expectations about their school performance. School failure is often the first sign of trouble that can end in teenage parenthood.
Know what your kids are watching, reading and listening to. The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, the Internet) are often sends the wrong messages. Sex rarely has meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and few people having sex ever seem to be married or even especially committed to anyone.
These tips for helping your children avoid teen pregnancy work best when they occur as part of strong, close relationships with your children that are built from an early age. Strive for a relationship that is warm in tone, firm in discipline, rich in communication, and one that emphasizes mutual trust and respect.
References
National Campaign To Prevent Teen Pregnancy
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
Suicide Rate Highest for Teens Girls by Connect with Kids
“One of the worst things [parents] can do is say it’s just a phase and they’ll grow out of it, because the depression will get deeper and deeper. The problems will become greater and greater as you let time go on.”
– Rudy Kalain, adolescent drug treatment counselor
The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has reported an alarming new statistic about teen suicide. For the first time in decades, the suicide rate for teenagers is going up. There is one group of kids more vulnerable than any other.
Thirteen-year old Leanna knows how it feels to be depressed.
“I think it’s when a lot of stress and a lot of sadness and all this kind of stuff builds up, where it just affects your emotions and you don’t want to do anything,” says Leanna.
For a long time, Leanna suffered silently.
“I think once you have depression, it’s hard to kind of get rid of, but you can make it so unnoticeable,” says Leanna.
Depression is the leading cause of suicide, experts say, and, according to the CDC, the suicide rate is rising fastest among 10- to 14-year-old girls -- up 76 percent from 2003 to 2004.
“It’s interesting, because in childhood, depression is about equal between girls and boys. When you get to adolescence, girls are more at risk for developing depression than boys,” says Dr. Sharon Y. Jones, psychiatrist.
Experts say girls are especially vulnerable in the middle school years.
“You know sometimes the person you were best friends with all through elementary school just becomes more mature and they’re not your friend anymore and that can be traumatic. The hormones are changing and they’re growing up. They want to be thought of as teenagers and yet sometimes they’re really little kids at heart,” says Gay Madden, counselor.
Experts say if you sense your child is sad, tired, hopeless, and/or no longer interested in activities, it could be clinical depression.
“If the parent has a gut feeling that the person is depressed, I would say go with that feeling and get professional help,” says Rudy Kalain, adolescent drug treatment counselor.
“One of the worst things [parents] can do is say, it’s just a phase and they’ll grow out of it, because the depression will get deeper and deeper. The problems will become greater and greater as you let time go on,” says Kalain.
Leanna is in counseling now and says it’s making a difference.
“I mean there’s always hope; if you ever give up on that, it’s probably going to be a really sad life,” says Leanna.
Tips for Parents
A teenager who is contemplating suicide may complain of being a bad person or feeling “rotten inside.” (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry)
Some teens will give verbal hints with statements such as “I won’t be a problem for you much longer,” “Nothing matters,” “It’s no use,” and “I won’t see you again.” (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry)
A teen contemplating suicide may put his/her affairs in order by giving away favorite possessions, cleaning his/her room or throwing away important belongings. Others may become suddenly cheerful after a period of depression or show signs of psychosis. (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry)
If you believe your child may be thinking about suicide, ask the child directly or seek professional help. People often feel uncomfortable talking about death, but asking a child if he/she is depressed or thinking about suicide can be helpful. Such questions may assure the child that someone cares and will give him/her the chance to talk about problems. Talking can lead to healing. (Dr. Paul Schenk, Psy.D., Clinical Psychologist)
If your child admits to suicidal feelings, don’t act shocked. This will put distance between you. Be willing to listen. Allow for the expression of your child’s thoughts and accept that the child may very well feel that way. (American Association of Suicidology)
Don’t be judgmental, or debate whether suicide is right or wrong, or lecture on the value of life. Offer hope that alternatives are available but do not offer glib reassurance. (American Association of Suicidology)
Don’t be sworn to secrecy. Seek support and seek help. Get help from persons or agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention. (American Association of Suicidology)
References
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
The Centers For Disease Control and Prevention
American Association of Suicidology
– Rudy Kalain, adolescent drug treatment counselor
The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has reported an alarming new statistic about teen suicide. For the first time in decades, the suicide rate for teenagers is going up. There is one group of kids more vulnerable than any other.
Thirteen-year old Leanna knows how it feels to be depressed.
“I think it’s when a lot of stress and a lot of sadness and all this kind of stuff builds up, where it just affects your emotions and you don’t want to do anything,” says Leanna.
For a long time, Leanna suffered silently.
“I think once you have depression, it’s hard to kind of get rid of, but you can make it so unnoticeable,” says Leanna.
Depression is the leading cause of suicide, experts say, and, according to the CDC, the suicide rate is rising fastest among 10- to 14-year-old girls -- up 76 percent from 2003 to 2004.
“It’s interesting, because in childhood, depression is about equal between girls and boys. When you get to adolescence, girls are more at risk for developing depression than boys,” says Dr. Sharon Y. Jones, psychiatrist.
Experts say girls are especially vulnerable in the middle school years.
“You know sometimes the person you were best friends with all through elementary school just becomes more mature and they’re not your friend anymore and that can be traumatic. The hormones are changing and they’re growing up. They want to be thought of as teenagers and yet sometimes they’re really little kids at heart,” says Gay Madden, counselor.
Experts say if you sense your child is sad, tired, hopeless, and/or no longer interested in activities, it could be clinical depression.
“If the parent has a gut feeling that the person is depressed, I would say go with that feeling and get professional help,” says Rudy Kalain, adolescent drug treatment counselor.
“One of the worst things [parents] can do is say, it’s just a phase and they’ll grow out of it, because the depression will get deeper and deeper. The problems will become greater and greater as you let time go on,” says Kalain.
Leanna is in counseling now and says it’s making a difference.
“I mean there’s always hope; if you ever give up on that, it’s probably going to be a really sad life,” says Leanna.
Tips for Parents
A teenager who is contemplating suicide may complain of being a bad person or feeling “rotten inside.” (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry)
Some teens will give verbal hints with statements such as “I won’t be a problem for you much longer,” “Nothing matters,” “It’s no use,” and “I won’t see you again.” (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry)
A teen contemplating suicide may put his/her affairs in order by giving away favorite possessions, cleaning his/her room or throwing away important belongings. Others may become suddenly cheerful after a period of depression or show signs of psychosis. (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry)
If you believe your child may be thinking about suicide, ask the child directly or seek professional help. People often feel uncomfortable talking about death, but asking a child if he/she is depressed or thinking about suicide can be helpful. Such questions may assure the child that someone cares and will give him/her the chance to talk about problems. Talking can lead to healing. (Dr. Paul Schenk, Psy.D., Clinical Psychologist)
If your child admits to suicidal feelings, don’t act shocked. This will put distance between you. Be willing to listen. Allow for the expression of your child’s thoughts and accept that the child may very well feel that way. (American Association of Suicidology)
Don’t be judgmental, or debate whether suicide is right or wrong, or lecture on the value of life. Offer hope that alternatives are available but do not offer glib reassurance. (American Association of Suicidology)
Don’t be sworn to secrecy. Seek support and seek help. Get help from persons or agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention. (American Association of Suicidology)
References
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
The Centers For Disease Control and Prevention
American Association of Suicidology
Thursday, November 15, 2007
(Sue Scheff) The Internet Divide - Connect with Kids
“They do it so fast, that lingo goes by so fast, you don’t know what they are saying. I mean she’s got three people on here right now. I couldn’t tell you how she’s keeping up those conversations.”
– Roopa Bhandari, mother, discussing her daughter’s online Instant Messaging
Are most kids more Internet savvy than their parents? A new Harris poll says the answer is yes. Are kids doing things online that would upset their parents? It seems that answer is also yes.
Sonia uses shorthand to chat with her friends online.
“LOL is laughing out loud, BRB -- be right back, BBL -- be back later, and LMHO --laughing my head off,” says Sonia, 13.
She’s so fast, it’s hard for her mom to keep up.
“They do it so fast, that lingo goes by so fast, you don’t know what they are saying. I mean, she’s got three people on here right now. I couldn’t tell you how she’s keeping up those conversations,” says Roopa Bhandari, Sonia’s mother.
According to the latest Harris poll, parents think their kids are online a total of six hours a week, but kids say they’re on the Internet almost twice that long. Almost a quarter of the kids admit to behavior that would upset their parents: talking to strangers, looking at porn, cyberbullying. This is today’s digital divide, with kids on one side, inexperienced parents on the other.
“I think the naivety in a lot of senses is really unnecessary, because it’s not as hard as it looks to a lot of these parents, they just have to take initiative and they have to go for it and make sure that their kids are safe,” says Jamey Brown, Systems Administrator, Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD).
That means keeping the computer in an open area, using Internet filters and learning as much as you can.
“Education of the parents is absolutely essential, because if the kids have a strong desire to do these kinds of things, then they’re going to find ways around even some of the best protections. If they are more knowledgeable than their parents on even the software that’s being used to circumvent them, then it can really work against [parents],” says Brown.
And learning can start with simple questions and conversations.
“Who’s ACL7C?” asks Sonia’s mom.
“My friend at school,” Sonia answers.
“What’s her name?”
“Emily.”
While her mother is trying to learn, Sonia would still like to keep some things private.
“It’s half and half. It’s good that she’s aware of some of the stuff, but not all of it,” says Sonia.
Tips for Parents
The Internet can be a wonderful resource for kids. They can use it to research school reports, communicate with teachers and other kids, and play interactive games. (Nemours Foundation)
However, it also provides access to information, sites, pictures and people that can be harmful to children and teens.
It's important to be aware of what your children see and hear on the Internet, who they meet, and what they share about themselves online. (Nemours Foundation)
Just like any safety issue, it's a good idea to talk with your kids about your concerns, take advantage of resources to protect them from potential dangers, and keep a close eye on their activities. (Nemours Foundation)
Keep the computer in a common area, not in individual bedrooms, where you can watch and monitor your child. (Nemours Foundation)
Encourage your teen to follow simple precautions, such as remaining anonymous at all times (this includes chat rooms); never disclosing private information such as address, phone number, school name, and credit card numbers; and never agreeing to meet someone in person that you have met in a chat room. (Nemours Foundation)
References
Nemours Foundation
– Roopa Bhandari, mother, discussing her daughter’s online Instant Messaging
Are most kids more Internet savvy than their parents? A new Harris poll says the answer is yes. Are kids doing things online that would upset their parents? It seems that answer is also yes.
Sonia uses shorthand to chat with her friends online.
“LOL is laughing out loud, BRB -- be right back, BBL -- be back later, and LMHO --laughing my head off,” says Sonia, 13.
She’s so fast, it’s hard for her mom to keep up.
“They do it so fast, that lingo goes by so fast, you don’t know what they are saying. I mean, she’s got three people on here right now. I couldn’t tell you how she’s keeping up those conversations,” says Roopa Bhandari, Sonia’s mother.
According to the latest Harris poll, parents think their kids are online a total of six hours a week, but kids say they’re on the Internet almost twice that long. Almost a quarter of the kids admit to behavior that would upset their parents: talking to strangers, looking at porn, cyberbullying. This is today’s digital divide, with kids on one side, inexperienced parents on the other.
“I think the naivety in a lot of senses is really unnecessary, because it’s not as hard as it looks to a lot of these parents, they just have to take initiative and they have to go for it and make sure that their kids are safe,” says Jamey Brown, Systems Administrator, Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD).
That means keeping the computer in an open area, using Internet filters and learning as much as you can.
“Education of the parents is absolutely essential, because if the kids have a strong desire to do these kinds of things, then they’re going to find ways around even some of the best protections. If they are more knowledgeable than their parents on even the software that’s being used to circumvent them, then it can really work against [parents],” says Brown.
And learning can start with simple questions and conversations.
“Who’s ACL7C?” asks Sonia’s mom.
“My friend at school,” Sonia answers.
“What’s her name?”
“Emily.”
While her mother is trying to learn, Sonia would still like to keep some things private.
“It’s half and half. It’s good that she’s aware of some of the stuff, but not all of it,” says Sonia.
Tips for Parents
The Internet can be a wonderful resource for kids. They can use it to research school reports, communicate with teachers and other kids, and play interactive games. (Nemours Foundation)
However, it also provides access to information, sites, pictures and people that can be harmful to children and teens.
It's important to be aware of what your children see and hear on the Internet, who they meet, and what they share about themselves online. (Nemours Foundation)
Just like any safety issue, it's a good idea to talk with your kids about your concerns, take advantage of resources to protect them from potential dangers, and keep a close eye on their activities. (Nemours Foundation)
Keep the computer in a common area, not in individual bedrooms, where you can watch and monitor your child. (Nemours Foundation)
Encourage your teen to follow simple precautions, such as remaining anonymous at all times (this includes chat rooms); never disclosing private information such as address, phone number, school name, and credit card numbers; and never agreeing to meet someone in person that you have met in a chat room. (Nemours Foundation)
References
Nemours Foundation
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
(Sue Scheff) Pornography Affects Girls, Too - Connect With Kids Article
“It has the potential for teenagers to really mess up what their attitudes are about sexuality and relationships.”
– Paul Schenck, Psy.D., clinical psychologist
While parents and schools often debate whether it’s best for children to learn about human sexuality at home or at school, kids today are learning about sex from another source: the Internet. Some experts believe this is harmful, even dangerous.
On the Internet, pornography is easy to access.
“Basically, if you want to see it, you can,” says Mark, 17.
Some of it is hardcore.
“Very vulgar, lewd type of material,” says Jeremy, 19.
And it is pervasive.
“I’m hanging around kids my age and they all pretty much get their fair share of that stuff, I would say daily,” says Jake, 16.
According to a report from the American Psychological Association, pornography can warp a teenager’s perspective on sexuality.
“It has the potential for teenagers to really mess up what their attitudes are about sexuality and really mess up relationships,” says Paul Schenck, Psy.D., clinical psychologist.
For teen girls, experts say, pornography can present an unattainable body image that can lead to eating disorders, depression and hyper-sexualized behavior.
“Their body becomes about pleasing others and it’s not.
Life becomes not about their own desires but about becoming desirable to others. We want to help girls through their adolescence become their own subject, where they decide how they want to live their lives rather than becoming an object,” says Dina Zeckhausen, Ph.D., Powers Ferry Psychological Associates.
Experts first recommend that parents put in place a filter to block porn on their home computer. Next, if their children have seen porn, talk with them about what they saw and how it affected them. Counter those images of women with positive and realistic ones.
“There are positive examples of media out there and there are positive role models of girls and women who are doing good things in the world and making the world a better place. So we as parents need to expose our kids to those kinds of media,” says Zeckhausen.
Expert’s say it’s inaccurate to compare today’s web porn to yesteryear’s Playboy magazine. The quantity, accessibility and graphic nature of the porn makes it much more likely that it can become a negative influence and even an addiction for a teen.
Tips for Parents
In the past, pornography was mainly limited to artwork, magazines and the red-light districts. With the advent of the Internet and cable television, however, pornography has now made its way into our family rooms, home offices and kids’ bedrooms.
Children and teenagers easily and often inadvertently access it. Parents must work even harder to prevent their children from becoming influenced and/or addicted to it.
The best cure for addiction is prevention. Experts at the Jacob Wetterling Foundation developed the following tips to help parents prevent their children from becoming addicted to pornography:
Place home computers in a central area of the house, not a child’s bedroom or secluded area. Make surfing the Internet a family experience.
Talk with your children about what they can and cannot do online, while trying to understand their needs, interests and curiosity.
Know your child's password and screen names; they may have more than one.
Set reasonable time limits on computer use, and ensure that your children adhere to the limitations.
Parents (not children) should always establish and maintain an Internet service provider account (AOL, Earthlink, MSN), and the account should always be in a parent’s name (not a child’s). This ensures that a parent can legally maintain control of the account’s use and can access records if necessary. If an account is set up in a child's name, it may be difficult, if not impossible, to obtain account information without the child's permission.
You should also realize that children might be accessing the Internet from outside the home, such as friends’ homes, work, libraries and school.
Be open with your children and encourage them to come to you if they encounter a problem online.
Explore filtering and blocking software, which is used to sort information on the Internet and classify it according to content. A major drawback is that some filtering may block innocent sites, while many "negative" sites still get past the filters. Though these programs can be great assets, parents still need to maintain open communication with their children to inform and protect them.
If you discover your child viewing pornography or you know it is a problem in his/her life, reassure him/her. Let your child know that while you don’t agree with the use of pornography, you still love them and expect them to do better. Rob Jackson, a professional counselor specializing in sexual addiction and codependency, suggests taking a four-area approach to prevent the possibility of your child using pornography in the future.
Behavioral. Behavioral approaches attempt to prevent a scenario from developing in the first place. The house and grounds, for example, should be purged of all pornography. Media should be carefully screened for “triggers” that serve as gateways to acting-out. If the problem occurred with the Internet, a filter can be one of your strategies, although it can never replace parental supervision and involvement. Other common-sense approaches include moving the computer to the family room where others can easily view the screen, limiting the time on the computer and making sure no one is alone on the Internet, and developing a mission statement that directs the family’s use of the computer and the Internet.
Cognitive. Pornography generates destructive myths about sexuality. Once your child is exposed, it will be critically important to initiate a comprehensive sex education program, if you have not already done so. The child will need to learn what and how to think about sexuality. More than mere behaviors, parents will want to communicate the core values of sexuality, the multifaceted risks of sex outside of marriage, and their ongoing compassion for what it must be like to grow up in this culture.
Emotive. Sex is inherently emotional. Premarital sex has even been linked with codependency, where at least one person becomes compelled or addicted to be in a relationship with another. The youth culture would lead you to believe that sex is not necessarily emotional for them – don’t believe it. Sexual relations of any type bond the bodies, minds and spirits of two individuals. At the conscious level, this attachment is largely emotional. Your children need to understand that emotional attachment is often involuntary, and especially when the relationship has been compromised sexually.
References
Jacob Wetterling Foundation
TeenHealthFX
Pure Intimacy
Great Ways to Sabotage a Good Conversation by Paul W. Schenk, Psy.D.
– Paul Schenck, Psy.D., clinical psychologist
While parents and schools often debate whether it’s best for children to learn about human sexuality at home or at school, kids today are learning about sex from another source: the Internet. Some experts believe this is harmful, even dangerous.
On the Internet, pornography is easy to access.
“Basically, if you want to see it, you can,” says Mark, 17.
Some of it is hardcore.
“Very vulgar, lewd type of material,” says Jeremy, 19.
And it is pervasive.
“I’m hanging around kids my age and they all pretty much get their fair share of that stuff, I would say daily,” says Jake, 16.
According to a report from the American Psychological Association, pornography can warp a teenager’s perspective on sexuality.
“It has the potential for teenagers to really mess up what their attitudes are about sexuality and really mess up relationships,” says Paul Schenck, Psy.D., clinical psychologist.
For teen girls, experts say, pornography can present an unattainable body image that can lead to eating disorders, depression and hyper-sexualized behavior.
“Their body becomes about pleasing others and it’s not.
Life becomes not about their own desires but about becoming desirable to others. We want to help girls through their adolescence become their own subject, where they decide how they want to live their lives rather than becoming an object,” says Dina Zeckhausen, Ph.D., Powers Ferry Psychological Associates.
Experts first recommend that parents put in place a filter to block porn on their home computer. Next, if their children have seen porn, talk with them about what they saw and how it affected them. Counter those images of women with positive and realistic ones.
“There are positive examples of media out there and there are positive role models of girls and women who are doing good things in the world and making the world a better place. So we as parents need to expose our kids to those kinds of media,” says Zeckhausen.
Expert’s say it’s inaccurate to compare today’s web porn to yesteryear’s Playboy magazine. The quantity, accessibility and graphic nature of the porn makes it much more likely that it can become a negative influence and even an addiction for a teen.
Tips for Parents
In the past, pornography was mainly limited to artwork, magazines and the red-light districts. With the advent of the Internet and cable television, however, pornography has now made its way into our family rooms, home offices and kids’ bedrooms.
Children and teenagers easily and often inadvertently access it. Parents must work even harder to prevent their children from becoming influenced and/or addicted to it.
The best cure for addiction is prevention. Experts at the Jacob Wetterling Foundation developed the following tips to help parents prevent their children from becoming addicted to pornography:
Place home computers in a central area of the house, not a child’s bedroom or secluded area. Make surfing the Internet a family experience.
Talk with your children about what they can and cannot do online, while trying to understand their needs, interests and curiosity.
Know your child's password and screen names; they may have more than one.
Set reasonable time limits on computer use, and ensure that your children adhere to the limitations.
Parents (not children) should always establish and maintain an Internet service provider account (AOL, Earthlink, MSN), and the account should always be in a parent’s name (not a child’s). This ensures that a parent can legally maintain control of the account’s use and can access records if necessary. If an account is set up in a child's name, it may be difficult, if not impossible, to obtain account information without the child's permission.
You should also realize that children might be accessing the Internet from outside the home, such as friends’ homes, work, libraries and school.
Be open with your children and encourage them to come to you if they encounter a problem online.
Explore filtering and blocking software, which is used to sort information on the Internet and classify it according to content. A major drawback is that some filtering may block innocent sites, while many "negative" sites still get past the filters. Though these programs can be great assets, parents still need to maintain open communication with their children to inform and protect them.
If you discover your child viewing pornography or you know it is a problem in his/her life, reassure him/her. Let your child know that while you don’t agree with the use of pornography, you still love them and expect them to do better. Rob Jackson, a professional counselor specializing in sexual addiction and codependency, suggests taking a four-area approach to prevent the possibility of your child using pornography in the future.
Behavioral. Behavioral approaches attempt to prevent a scenario from developing in the first place. The house and grounds, for example, should be purged of all pornography. Media should be carefully screened for “triggers” that serve as gateways to acting-out. If the problem occurred with the Internet, a filter can be one of your strategies, although it can never replace parental supervision and involvement. Other common-sense approaches include moving the computer to the family room where others can easily view the screen, limiting the time on the computer and making sure no one is alone on the Internet, and developing a mission statement that directs the family’s use of the computer and the Internet.
Cognitive. Pornography generates destructive myths about sexuality. Once your child is exposed, it will be critically important to initiate a comprehensive sex education program, if you have not already done so. The child will need to learn what and how to think about sexuality. More than mere behaviors, parents will want to communicate the core values of sexuality, the multifaceted risks of sex outside of marriage, and their ongoing compassion for what it must be like to grow up in this culture.
Emotive. Sex is inherently emotional. Premarital sex has even been linked with codependency, where at least one person becomes compelled or addicted to be in a relationship with another. The youth culture would lead you to believe that sex is not necessarily emotional for them – don’t believe it. Sexual relations of any type bond the bodies, minds and spirits of two individuals. At the conscious level, this attachment is largely emotional. Your children need to understand that emotional attachment is often involuntary, and especially when the relationship has been compromised sexually.
References
Jacob Wetterling Foundation
TeenHealthFX
Pure Intimacy
Great Ways to Sabotage a Good Conversation by Paul W. Schenk, Psy.D.
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