Gay Teen Comes Out by Connect with Kids

“A lot of gay kids think there's something wrong with them for being gay. And it's hard whenever your parents think there's something wrong with you, too. You’re kind of like, 'Oh God there really is!' And they just need someone to come up to them and give them a hug.”

– Kerry Pacer, 16

Kerry Pacer says to her Mom Savannah, “I knew you’d love me always, but I just didn’t know how you’d accept it, like if you’d be like, ‘Okay, I accept that you’re gay’ or if you’d be like, ‘You’re NOT gay.’”

Kerry was 12 years old when she first told her Mom. Savannah says, “When you say to me, ‘I’m gay’…I’m thinking ‘Okay…you think you’re gay…you’re 12 years old…we’ll see if it lasts.’”

It did last. And what Kerry wanted most was for her mom to accept her.

Kerry says, “A lot of gay kids think there’s something wrong with them for being gay. And it’s hard whenever your parents think there’s something wrong with you, too. You’re kind of like, ‘Oh God there really is!’”

Experts say finding out that your child is gay can be a difficult moment. They add, think before you react… because what you say will be remembered for years.

Bruce Nelson is the co-president of the Atlanta chapter of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. He says, “This kid that they’ve given birth to, they raised from an infant, worried about, cared about, spent a lot of money on, a lot of time with … if you over-react, if you panic, if you don’t get the facts, if you don’t understand what’s going on…than you’re at risk of throwing all that away.”

Experts say take things slow. You don’t have to tell people until you are ready.

Savannah says, “I’d say you know, we live in a small town. We live in a conservative small town, and maybe you don’t want to tell everyone you’re gay just because you’ll get a lot of negative feedback.”

Kerry does tell people. That means she and her sister, get teased and taunted at school. Kerry says, “Here people say ‘lesbian’ or ‘dirty lesbian’ when you walk by them in the hall.” Her younger sister Lindsay says, “People are like, ‘Has she ever tried to kiss you?’ And I’m like, ‘No, she’s still my sister. It’s like has your brother ever tried to kiss you?’”

Her mom says she can’t stop the hurt. All she can do is love and accept. Savannah says, “Even though I maybe can’t take back the things that people have said to her or done to her, she knows she’s coming to a place where she’s going to get understanding.”

Experts say it can be helpful to join a support group such as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. They also suggest reviewing literature designed for parents of a gay child.

Tips for Parents

The teenage years are a time of extraordinary challenges and opportunities. As teens explore their growing independence and sense of identity they must overcome a number of developmental milestones, such as developing social skills, thinking about career choices and fitting into a peer groups. Gay, lesbian and bisexual adolescents, however, must often navigate these developmental waters in the face of additional problems and concerns not typically faced by other teens, such as:

Feeling different from peers

Feeling guilty about their sexual orientation

Worrying about the response from their families and loved ones

Being teased and ridiculed by their peers

Worrying about AIDS, HIV infection and other sexually transmitted diseases

Fearing discrimination when joining clubs, sports, seeking admission to college and finding employment

Being rejected and harassed by others

In particular, studies show that gay and lesbian teens are more likely to report having missed school due to fear, having their property damaged at school and being threatened by other students. It is little wonder that these students often become socially isolated, withdraw from activities and friends, have trouble concentrating, and develop low self-esteem. Some researchers report gay, lesbian and bisexual teens report high rates of depression and account for a significant number of deaths by suicide in adolescence.

Teaching a child the dangers of harassment and/or bullying behavior based upon sexual preference can be a very difficult process for some parents. As with other discussions, there are a number of things that parents can do to make the discussion a little easier and more effective.

Parents need to inform themselves before they talk with their kids. Parents need to get the facts about homosexuality and need to be prepared to share the facts their kids in an age-appropriate manner.

Parents need to come to grips with their own feelings regarding gays, lesbians and bisexuals, and to share those values with their children in the context of the discussion. For many parents, this is the most difficult aspect of the conversation, and there are no easy answers to the problem.

Parents should remember they don’t have to condone the behavior to love their child.

Parents need to maintain a calm and non-critical atmosphere for the discussion. Try to use words that are comfortable and familiar when talking to kids about important topics. Parents should also try to encourage the child to talk and ask questions. They need to know that they can talk about things with the parents freely and without fear of consequence.

It is important for parents to search for a support group of other parents who share their same concerns and are facing the same issues. If one is not available in your area, organize one. The sharing of ideas and fears can help alleviate anxiety and give parents ideas and thoughts they may not have realized otherwise.

References
American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
American Psychological Association
American Public Health Association
Family Acceptance Project
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
Pediatrics

Gay Harassment

Source: Connect with Kids

“People would push me into lockers or trip me in the hallways or throw rocks at me inside the school or throw trash at me.”

– Josh, 15 years old

Fifteen-year-old Josh is gay. He’s so afraid of bullies that he’s asked us not to show his face or reveal his full name.

“People would push me into lockers or trip me in the hallways or throw rocks at me inside the school or throw trash at me,” he recalls.

Josh is not alone. According to a report from the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), nine out of 10 gay teenagers are harassed at school.

Josh was and that’s why he decided to tell his parents the truth.

“I’m gay,” he told them. “I’m getting harassed. I’m very scared in school right now—please make it stop.”

Marnie Lynch, Josh’s mom, says, “I don’t know that I can even describe the pain that I felt.”

Josh’s parents felt hurt, angry and scared.

“What my worst fear was, is that yes, he could be brutally beaten or killed because of his sexual orientation,” Lynch says.

But experts say there are ways to prevent violence against gay and lesbian students.

“It’s very important that all youth who are being harassed let the (school) administration know about it somehow, whether it’s through their parents or going directly to the administrator, or telling a teacher about it,” says Steve Epstein, a counselor who works with gay teens.

Epstein says that Josh’s parents did the right thing. They demanded action from the school’s principal and soon afterwards, the bullying ended.

“You should be able to do and be whomever you want to be,” Josh says, “and not have to endure harassment and pain and struggles from other people.”

Tips for Parents

Sexual orientation in adolescents has previously been linked to increased rate of victimization. Previous studies have found that those students who identified themselves as gay, lesbian or bisexual had a disproportionate risk for problem behaviors, including suicide and victimization. A study by Penn State found that risk is even greater when those kids feel rejected at school.

The recent survey showed that homosexual adolescents were nearly twice as likely as straight adolescents to report a history of violent attacks and witnessing violence. In addition, gay and lesbian youth were reported to be 2.5 times more likely to report that they had taken part in violence themselves. Bisexual adolescents reported no increased levels of perpetrating violence, but were more likely than heterosexual adolescents to report witnessing violence or being victimized.

The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) cautions parents that “gay and lesbian teens can become depressed, socially isolated, withdrawn from activities and friends, have trouble concentrating, and develop low self-esteem. They may also develop depression.” It is important for parents of gay and lesbian teens to understand their teen’s sexual orientation and provide support. The AACAP encourages parents and family members to seek understanding and support from organizations such as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG).

The American Psychological Association provides these tips for teens who fear they may be a target of violence:


Above all, be safe. Don’t spend time alone with people who show warning signs of violence, such as those with a history of frequent physical fights, and those who have announced threats or plans for hurting others.

Tell someone you trust and respect about your concerns and ask for help ( a family member, guidance counselor, teacher, school physiologist, coach, clergy, or friend).
Get someone to protect you. Do not resort to violence or use a weapon to protect yourself.

References
American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
American Psychological Association
American Public Health Association
Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network
Pediatrics
Penn State University